zena musings

How to Be Alone by Tanya Davis

I. LOVE. THIS. I love this so much I want to marry it. I love this so much I'm posting it everywhere I can. Poetry made visible and oh so soothing, inspiring and lovely.

"If you're happy in your head then solitude is blessed and alone is OK."

Please give yourself the 4-minute gift of watching this.

Where the Gray Shadows Swim Lazy

Then there are times I am utterly and completely dumbfounded. When I scarcely recognize the woman I'm becoming. When confronted with news that by rights should upset me, I'm startled for approximately 1/10 of a second then *POOF* it's gone. Gone. I'm not surprised, I'm not upset, I'm not jealous, I'm actually not even interested. Something pivotal within me has changed bigtime. What my ex does is not only none of my business, for the first time it doesn't affect my self-esteem, my sense of value, my self-worth. Only if his choices affect our dogs will it be my business. When we hung up, I stood quietly. Do I really feel OK? Might this be ... serenity? Could I actually feel happiness regardless? Hot diggity!

I called a wise womanfriend to share my joy. Wise womenfriends rock! She pointed out THIS is freedom. This is also what serenity is -- not freedom from the storm, but peace within the storm.

Yeah baby!

I'm damn proud of myself for having steel balls of courage to sit quietly with myself for a year. For my willingness to feel and process and grow and heal from this year's losses and changes rather than masking them with alcohol, busyness, chaos, drama, sex and/or the rush of a new relationship only to have to deal with stuff later on. True, I've gained 5-10 lbs of pure sugar fat, but tough tooties -- a girl's gotta have some vices! This year was the hardest year of my life, but on nights like tonight I know I wouldn't trade this sweet exquisite joy -- this freedom -- this serenity -- my relationship with ME -- for anything in the world. (Unless it was to have Elliott back.)

I had a wonderful Christmas and hope you did too. Bryon (my ex) was here with me and my parents, and it was nice. It was my first Christmas without Elliott since 1989, and that was hard. But on Christmas Eve I found a really long Elliott hair on my littlest Christmas tree, and I feel him with me in spirit all the time. He's my boy forever! Fittingly this year some new traditions were born: turkey dinner at my new house Christmas Eve, and brunch at my parents' new house Christmas morning. My Mom made her world-famous cinnamon rolls, my all-time fave! Christmas night my parents and I went to an AA dinner/meeting at a friend's house that truly embodied the spirit of Christmas. Hurray for love, giving and togetherness! Mashed potatoes too!

The rest of this week? Sitting on my ass. Kissing my babies. Filling orders here and there. Reading two library books. Seeing friends. Sharing my truth. Coffee with Dad. Spirituality with Mom. 90-minute massage. AA meetings. Developing two new totally inappropriate crushes and just enjoying them without taking action. Laughing. Listening. Showing up. Shoveling snow. Throwing snowballs at Silas. Cinnamon toast.

Catching up on some of your blogs. Returning to my own. YAY!

What a Woman Playing Hooky Looks Like

I've been working super long hard hours and despite it being my busiest time of year, this afternoon I had to play hooky. Had to! Snapped this pic on my way to the movie theatre. (I tried to capture the hushed snow-white sky for you, Bob. I have not missed Seattle's weather one single second.) Caught a matinee of the powerful yet disturbing Before the Devil Knows You're Dead and appreciated it immensely. Philip Seymour Hoffman is one of my favorite actors.

After the movie, I treated myself to a lovely dinner at Wild Sage Bistro. I ordered the Tomato Basil Gnocchi Gratin -- hand formed pesto dumplings, heirloom tomatoes, roasted squash and huge wild mushrooms with fresh mozzarella cheese. Super yummy! Wild Sage offers a beautiful, intimate atmosphere and excellent service too. I sat at a little table, reading my book, enjoying my food, simmering in quiet delight at my own company, surrounded by the presence of others.

I stepped outside the restaurant to fresh snow falling.
Christmas music playing on outdoor speakers.
This is the good stuff.
This is the payoff.

The Moment I've Been Waiting For

For the next 38 hours, I'm in seclusion, on a personal retreat in my home.

Yesterday afternoon I hit a wall of exhaustion, but somehow managed to honor my commitments last night and today. I promised myself that after my workerbees left today, I would see no one and go nowhere until Saturday morning.

I've needed soothing, healing, quiet, gentle, sacred solitude for a long, long time.

No dogs, no humans. Just me -- tucked away with a fresh stack of library books, a clean bathtub, food, sunshine and a garden in full bloom. Bliss.

(Photo by Martyn Starkey.)