zena musings

21 things that spontaneously flew out of my heart + fingers this morning

1. It’s easier than you think.
2. Whoever you are, whatever your desire, wherever your path — OWN it. Unapologetically.
3. Be real. Be YOU. Playing it cool is dull. (Thank you, Danielle LaPorte, for nailing it.) Enthusiasm is hot. Awkward spontaneity smashes the flimsy weak veneer of hip every fucking time.
4. If right now you’re mimicking someone you admire, keep going. Stay curious. Keep writing, keep moving, keep taking pictures, keep reading, keep exploring and for God’s sake keep obsessively listening to your deepest innermost guts. You will stumble upon your unique way of stringing together words, composing images or moving through life.
5. Within you are undiscovered talents, strengths and treasures you don’t even know exist. They may be different from what you expected. Don’t shrink away. Claim them. Trust them. Follow their breadcrumbs.
6. Keep moving forward. But please please please know it’s OK to rest whenever you need to for as long as you need to. Rest is necessary. Just pay attention to your intuition because timeouts can masquerade as secret ways to coddle your fears.
7. Share your journeys and discoveries with us, honestly and openly. We want to hear your stories. We need the wisdom of your learnings. We long to witness and support the unvarnished truth of you.
8. At times you may feel different than. That’s OK. Different doesn’t mean separate from. You belong and you always will.
9. Change is not an option. Change is the essence of Life. You can’t hide from change so don’t even try. Embrace your lifelong evolution and the personal evolution of every single person you know. 
10. Make letting go a daily spiritual practice. 
11. Those stories you tell yourself in your head? You’re making them up. Stop falling for fiction. Don’t make assumptions. Be willing to change your perception.
12. Practice, practice, practice. There is no mastery. Do your best and eventually your best will get better. Screw perfection. Adopt the attitude that sucking actually ROCKS! Toddlers don’t berate themselves when their legs buckle and they fall on their rumps. They get up and try again.
13. Life is short and unpredictable. ENJOY. Choose wisely. Be good to yourself.
14. Love with unfettered abandon whoever and whatever lights you up! No need to justify, rationalize or explain.
15. That said, being on the other end of someone's obsession feels creepy and gross. If someone you’re attracted to doesn’t share the attraction, let them go. Stat.
16.  Prayer works. Prayer works best when we let go of what we think the outcome should be.
17. Your comfort zone can turn into a Venus Flytrap. Being uncomfortable is often an incredibly good sign. 
18. Remember you’re not in charge. You’re not the Head Coach. You’re simply one important yet temporary player on a really, really big team. Everyone contributes in her or his own specialized way. No one is expected to play the game alone and you won’t carry the ball 100% of the time. Sometimes we’re on the court, sometimes we’re on the bench. We all contribute no matter what. We’re always part of the team. 
19. God has bigger plans for you than you could ever possibly dream of. Get out of your own way. Leave the Big Game Plan to God (S/He holds it anyway). Leave room in your hours and days and weeks and months and years for Life to guide you, dazzle you and use you in magical + unexpected ways.
20. You know less than you think you do. You love less than you’re capable of. Isn’t this marvelous? Keep your beautiful heart + mind open!
21. Love always wins.

Friday's Truth

To those working for the rights and health of the underdog, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm so grateful there are people like you who can do this. I don't pretend to know what's best for anyone individually or collectively, but when I pay attention -- intentionally or not -- to what happens in this world and how people, governments and corporations do harm, it's easy to feel despair.

Like many creatives, I wasn't born with emotional insulation, and despite being stronger and more stable than ever, sometimes my coping mechanisms are still pretty fragile. I'm extremely sensitive and simply not wired to handle shitty people, shitty behavior or shitty energy.

You will never engage me in a conversation about politics or religion. Even if we're in agreement.

If you are a local news reporter, weatherman or anchor, I have no idea who you are.

You won't find me in organized activist circles. Yet if we ever live in a time when it's necessary, you can bet my house will be part of an "underground railroad."

If you enjoy talking about government and social problems, I will do everything in my power to avoid you.

Sometimes I admonish myself, "I should pay attention to this. I should march in that. I should, I should, I should." But honestly? Every bit as harmful (to me) as cutting myself with a sharp knife. My default setting is Care Too Much.

I lived in a state of despair for a long time, and it's only in the last couple years that I've made my way to the light again. Not surprisingly I'm mama-bear fiercely protective of my peace of mind. For me, serenity isn't something nice to have, it's a matter of life or death.

So, to the bad news I heard and the awful photo I saw earlier . . . goddammit, you break my heart. And unfortunately there's nothing I can do about you. I have to turn you over to God. I have to do my best to make a difference where I can in my own life today. To smile at strangers. To extend my hand to the newcomer at the noon AA meeting. To enjoy -- ENJOY -- this day of my life as best I can.

Truth-Telling and Bloodletting

This morning, a one-two punch.

First, hearing news that "should" be positive, simply left me sad. News that shouldn't surprise me, nor sadden me, but it did and I don't have to figure out why. Years ago I learned to simply let my feelings be what they are. Feelings don't want my clever analysis, justification or intellectual acrobatics. They simply want the soft warmth of my lap. To be allowed. To hear the words, It's OK. I understand.

Second, inadvertently winding up on the skirts of the hate group WBC's protests and counter-protests at Gonzaga and Ferris. Several friends are counter-protesting around the area, and I applaud them. I know myself well enough to know I'm not emotionally or energetically equipped to attend counter-protests, be involved in political movements, or do much in the way of activism other than live my life openly and honestly.

Already a bit shaky, I read their hateful signs, literally using the word HATE, bringing tears to my eyes. I am bewildered. I don't understand hate. I'm proud of the people in Spokane's community who counter-protested with beautiful signs, kindness, music and peacefulness. I belly-laughed when I heard them play "You've Got to Change Your Evil Ways." I honked and waved supportively at them, the best I could do.

I knew I needed a drink from the well, so I went to an AA meeting. Relief. As always, I got what I needed and heard what I needed to hear.

Here's what I know:

This life is mine. Ultimately, it's the only thing that is.

What happens in anybody else's life is none of my business.

Others come and go. Vows or blood, nothing and no one is permanent.

Letting go is a process.

What's right for you isn't necessarily right for me, and vice versa.

Self-worth comes from within.

I want to paint my bedroom.

Some days are sadness, some days are joyful. Some days are both!

I wasn't born with much emotional insulation. I tire easily. I need plenty of mental and physical rest. This means saying no to some things I'd rather say yes to.

I am doing my best to love what is and to focus on what's ahead of me. What I love today: Garden carrots and Concord grapes from Mom. My recovery peeps. New fleece sheets. Love in the streets. Big candle orders. T minus 48 hours 'til the Gonzaga women's basketball pre-season scrimmage! Leftovers. Silas. Acceptance.

"You, less than, is a lie."

Just read a beautiful piece called You, Less Than by Pamela Slim. I'm going to look for my own Champion of the World photo, and when I find it, put it in a frame! I'll share it here, too. Thank you, Pam, from someone who easily loses her footing and slides into less than.

A Little More About Choosing Ease

Saturday I received a massage/energy work from my friend Mary Willard, LMP, at 2nd Avenue Healing Arts. Working on my left leg, she asked what I need to let go of. I immediately answered, "My extra weight." It is time, and I am both ready and willing. She then said something profoundly helpful:

"Ask your angels for help. Also, it doesn't have to be hard. It can be easy."

You know how when you hear the truth, your whole being sort of relaxes and opens and goes ahhhh?

Then came Monday's Note from the Universe:

Carla, whatever you focus on, you will experience.

When you talk about "what is" or "what was," even if you're just explaining to a friendly ear, you project more of the same into the future. If you ask more than you give thanks, you'll believe less in your own power. And if you insist that it's hard and that you're lonely, you'll find that it is, and you are.

Yet, always you can choose to focus on what's good.

So that's what I'm doing. Not just with my eating, but with my work as well. Praying for help and ease, pivoting (and acting) to the positive, saying affirmations. And you know what? It's working. When my attitude changes, everything changes. Once again, prayer followed by action really works. And so does one day at a time. :)

Caretake This Moment

  

Caretake this moment.
Immerse yourself in its particulars.
Respond to this person, this challenge, this deed.

Quit the evasions.
Stop giving yourself needless trouble.
It is time to really live; to fully inhabit the situation you happen to be in now.
You are not some disinterested bystander.
Exert yourself.

Respect your partnership with providence.
Ask yourself often, How may I perform this particular deed
such that it would be consistent with and acceptable to the divine will?
Heed the answer and get to work.

When your doors are shut and your room is dark you are not alone.
The will of nature is within you as your natural genius is within.
Listen to its importunings.
Follow its directives.

As concerns the art of living, the material is your own life.
No great thing is created suddenly.
There must be time.

Give your best and always be kind.

Epictetus

(Photo seedling pot by Maria Apostolou.)

The Blossoming of Hope, Direction and Action

For anyone experiencing confusion like I've been, I want to share a smidgeon of the incredibly loving, encouraging words of wisdom and support I received on Facebook in response to last month's Stream of Consciousness post:

My "words of wisdom" would be to remain open, to listen to yourself, and to not feel pushed to do anything that doesn't feel right. And that once you choose, it's okay to change your mind! What an exciting time, Carla. I will watch your journey with great interest and positive thoughts. ~Olivia

I cannot, not respond and yet I'm overwhelmed by your pain and honesty. Of course, I have no words of wisdom for you, I barely have any for myself. Every day is a question mark. I will tell you that your words and very presence on Facebook have brought me countless moments of joy in the time we have been friends. I hope for nothing but spectacular days ahead for you....I do know that when we are about at the end of our rope our feet touchdown on something solid. We can choose to cling to the rope, or we can let go and see where the path leads. ~Zan

I was at a crossroads too, 2 yrs ago, as to what I wanted to do with my life/job and asked myself what I was passionate about. You have to continue praying and trust God, as He does answer prayers, but it is in His time, not ours, and his timing is always right and perfect. We have to have patience, which is very difficult sometimes. My prayers were answered, and I have a job that I absolutely love and is so "me" in many ways. And it presented itself to me while I was interviewing for a different one, but I recognized it at the time, and knew I had to fight for it...and I got it. I know that can happen for your too! Hang in there! ~Patty

Think about what people need. Think about what people will pay for. Think about if you would enjoy providing that. Think about how you would find customers. Also remember that people will pay for lots more in good economic times than in challenging ones (I would love to have a housekeeper. I will not pay for one. I sure would not enjoy being one). This is hard. I am being very masculine in my response ("I will find a solution for you my damsel!" ) but it is the best I can do right now. ~Christine

You clearly like the pace of life that owning and running your candle business offers you. You have been content with creating awesome candles all these years, but the income has slowed down to the point that it isn't earning you enough money to keep going this way. Have you thought of getting a group of women to brainstorm with you about the next step? A dreaming group to help you envision what is next? If I were part of that group I would be asking you, what goes with candles? How can you make Zena your stepping stone? You have been doing a lot right for a long time, so how can you use this experience to take the next step? Maybe getting many more heads put together over a period of time can help you see what's next. I don't think you will be happy working for someone else, on their schedule, hon. ~Sr. Kathryn

I agree--college can be wonderful for helping reveal your heart's desire. Sometimes the right thing to do is rest with the question. One of my favorite thoughts, from a minister, "I obey the law of love and let life surprise me." ~Gail

I agree with Kathryn that branching out from zenamoon could be an answer...and that you probably won't be happy working for someone else. I'm with Christina in that you should take some action. Sometimes its easier to see God's direction when we look back...I don't think you knew when you took your first candle class that you would make a career out of candle-making. I'm sure you would be a great masseur...also a counselor (you're already doing that for free!) Maybe the immediate question is how long do you want to hang on before you get some money coming in besides from zm? Do you want to go to school and start a new career? Or get a temporary job to have some money coming in regularly? Only you can decide that. Your short term answers need not be long term ones. Asking for guidance and listening to God are awesome things to do, but I also believe She likes to see movement on our part. My vegetable garden doesn't flourish if I just sit and look out the window at the space. I have to choose what to plant and where...and get busy. Otherwise I'll just grow weeds... either way God does her part in sending sunshine and rain. Carla, you are so strong and wonderful, beautiful and talented, creative and loving. I'm glad you are my daughter, and I know you will get through this difficult time. Love you much, Mama PS I still buy an occasional lottery ticket hoping for a big win, so I can pad your checking account! ~My Mama

That was last week. The relief I felt, after sharing, was immense. Something shifted, as something always does when I flush the shit out of my brain. I saw clearly how my attitude was fear-based and decided to take Olivia's stance and view this time as an exciting adventure! What a difference that made!

This week I'm moving into action, and wouldn't you know, opportunities are manifesting! Today I applied for two jobs. Folks are ordering zena moon candles. I am doing my footwork and leaving the outcome to God. Like I heard the other day, God doesn't mow lawns. She provides the sun and rain. Today I have hope and I am honestly excited. :)

A Society of Possible Gods and Goddesses

It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no "ordinary" people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.

C.S. Lewis

Pivot to the Positive Again and Again ... and Again

You may not be able to tell from this photo, but I am in the absolute pits lately. Mix tired and sad with a dash of low self-esteem and hopelessness. Bake in a 350 degree oven marked GRIEF for one hour. Let cool. Sprinkle isolation generously on top and voilà! Despair extraordinaire!

I made a conscious decision to take some baby steps towards the positive on my own behalf today, which, for the record, goes against the tide of what I think I want to do -- hide under the covers, push everyone away (I'm kind of doing that already), sell my business, hang Fuck the World! signs on the door and sink further into the murky shitty undertow that threatens to suck me under. I am so tired of grieving and feeling sad and crummy. I know I need to keep practicing acceptance that I am where I am, and I also really, really, really need to make the effort to have some fun, connect with others and NOT wallow in my emotions 24/7.

So . . . three small actions and one big one:

1. After work I dressed in real clothes instead of my usual sweats;
2. I put on makeup;
3. I'm getting out of the house going to an AA meeting tonight, and...
4. After months of flirting with the idea, I decided to start the 365 Days project on Flickr. Above is my first self-portrait in what will be 365 consecutive days of self-portraits. A giant part of me says EEK! But I am hopeful the project will improve my self-image not to mention my fledgling photography skills.

I also found a lovely poem I posted on Women at Rest today, along with a beautiful photo by amma_maw. Enjoy both here.