zena musings

21 things that spontaneously flew out of my heart + fingers this morning

1. It’s easier than you think.
2. Whoever you are, whatever your desire, wherever your path — OWN it. Unapologetically.
3. Be real. Be YOU. Playing it cool is dull. (Thank you, Danielle LaPorte, for nailing it.) Enthusiasm is hot. Awkward spontaneity smashes the flimsy weak veneer of hip every fucking time.
4. If right now you’re mimicking someone you admire, keep going. Stay curious. Keep writing, keep moving, keep taking pictures, keep reading, keep exploring and for God’s sake keep obsessively listening to your deepest innermost guts. You will stumble upon your unique way of stringing together words, composing images or moving through life.
5. Within you are undiscovered talents, strengths and treasures you don’t even know exist. They may be different from what you expected. Don’t shrink away. Claim them. Trust them. Follow their breadcrumbs.
6. Keep moving forward. But please please please know it’s OK to rest whenever you need to for as long as you need to. Rest is necessary. Just pay attention to your intuition because timeouts can masquerade as secret ways to coddle your fears.
7. Share your journeys and discoveries with us, honestly and openly. We want to hear your stories. We need the wisdom of your learnings. We long to witness and support the unvarnished truth of you.
8. At times you may feel different than. That’s OK. Different doesn’t mean separate from. You belong and you always will.
9. Change is not an option. Change is the essence of Life. You can’t hide from change so don’t even try. Embrace your lifelong evolution and the personal evolution of every single person you know. 
10. Make letting go a daily spiritual practice. 
11. Those stories you tell yourself in your head? You’re making them up. Stop falling for fiction. Don’t make assumptions. Be willing to change your perception.
12. Practice, practice, practice. There is no mastery. Do your best and eventually your best will get better. Screw perfection. Adopt the attitude that sucking actually ROCKS! Toddlers don’t berate themselves when their legs buckle and they fall on their rumps. They get up and try again.
13. Life is short and unpredictable. ENJOY. Choose wisely. Be good to yourself.
14. Love with unfettered abandon whoever and whatever lights you up! No need to justify, rationalize or explain.
15. That said, being on the other end of someone's obsession feels creepy and gross. If someone you’re attracted to doesn’t share the attraction, let them go. Stat.
16.  Prayer works. Prayer works best when we let go of what we think the outcome should be.
17. Your comfort zone can turn into a Venus Flytrap. Being uncomfortable is often an incredibly good sign. 
18. Remember you’re not in charge. You’re not the Head Coach. You’re simply one important yet temporary player on a really, really big team. Everyone contributes in her or his own specialized way. No one is expected to play the game alone and you won’t carry the ball 100% of the time. Sometimes we’re on the court, sometimes we’re on the bench. We all contribute no matter what. We’re always part of the team. 
19. God has bigger plans for you than you could ever possibly dream of. Get out of your own way. Leave the Big Game Plan to God (S/He holds it anyway). Leave room in your hours and days and weeks and months and years for Life to guide you, dazzle you and use you in magical + unexpected ways.
20. You know less than you think you do. You love less than you’re capable of. Isn’t this marvelous? Keep your beautiful heart + mind open!
21. Love always wins.

Flashback 15 years: Marriage, divorce and healing

Fifteen years ago I was laying on a rose-strewn massage table. It's my wedding day. I never expected to get married. Never wanted to. But I'd fallen in the kind of love that feels permanent. For the first time I'd found someone I wanted to commit to.

Like us, our ceremony and vows were unconventional. Drums beat, sage burned. My gay boyfriends walked me down the makeshift aisle in our backyard. Our dogs carried our rings. A dear friend, an ordained Catholic nun, officiated. We promised to be together as long as it served each of our highest good. And for 10 years we were.

Our marriage ended five years ago. As separations go, it was amicable. He helped move me to Spokane. We vacationed together that summer and even spent Christmas together. Bittersweet. Even though I'm now grateful a hundred times over, letting go was an excruciating process. Everything about my life changed. My home, my community, how often I saw my dogs (we shared custody for years), my comfort zone. I was lost and fragile.

For months I couldn't even say the word divorce out loud. When the Marriage Dissolution papers arrived in the mail, I realized how insignificant -- like signatures on a marriage license -- paperwork is. That's neither where our relationship came together nor fell apart. I remember pulling them out for a friend who was spinning out over her own separation saying, "This little 1/2-inch stack of paper? That's all a divorce is. Your relationship still exists, just in a new form. Stop scaring yourself with words." Ha! Exactly what I needed to hear myself.

For a good long while I was angry, hurt and resentful, but that shit's toxic and I stayed committed to my spiritual path. No matter how I felt, I went through the motions of right action. Naturally I licked my wounds raw time and again but mostly I acted as if this was God's will for me. I practiced trust, sometimes well, sometimes crappily. Lots of f-bombs in my prayers those days. Slowly a new life unfolded. New friends. New community. New activities. New everything. Better everything.

My ex and I were estranged for a while. A tough yet absolutely necessary gift. Fire purifies. Today we're building a new friendship. Our lives are progressing exactly as they're meant to. I absolutely love the woman he now shares his life with, and their nutty Dobie.

Healing takes time and dedication. It takes willingness to be really uncomfortable (not my strong suit!) and do awkward stuff like gratitude lists, socializing and being in this moment on a continuous basis. Fortunately I'm surrounded by lots of wise women (and men) I'm willing to listen to and accept direction from. They've never steered me wrong.

Recently I was clearing out old paperwork and stumbled across my divorce papers. I don't need these, I thought. I inhaled with a new awareness and freedom. I don't need these. So I shredded them. Not with animosity or vengeance, simply with release.

The past is over.

Today I'm alive and free in ways I never dreamed possible. I absolutely LOVE my present and I'm excited beyond measure for the future.

But I went through hell to get here. The secret? I kept going.

21 truths on my heart

I'm single because I was born that way.
— Mae West

Nearly two weeks after Valentine's Day, these truths are bursting outta my heart this morning.

1. My top priority is my relationship is with myself and my Higher Power.
2. #1 requires a tremendous amount of time + attention via nurturing, listening, action and devotion.
3. I love being single. It's when I thrive and blossom and contribute my best to the world.
4. #3 is not the social norm. It's not the Libra norm. Unless you're a priest or a monk or a BYU basketball player, it's not supposed to be anyone's norm. I struggle with this. But #3 has been true all my life, so I get to trust that God knows what S/He's doing with me better than I do.
5. Love is EVERYWHERE.
6. I've been in many relationships (more than 70, less than 100) ranging from one night to 13 years.
7. Had I known a good massage therapist in my 20's, those numbers would be significantly lower.
8. Can I say I'm grateful for them all? Yes. Each person was important in his or her way.
9. As a kid, the women I wanted to grow up and be like were always independent and unconventional. Cher. Rhoda. The bohemian chick played by Melanie Mayron on thirtysomething.
10. As an adult, the women I identify with and want to be like are always independent and unconventional. Also creative, wise, spiritual, kind, active and really alive in whatever way(s) they're called to be.
11. I absolutely revel in diversity. I'd wither and die if my circle of friends wasn't rife with different ages, classes, colors, beliefs, experiences and backgrounds.
12. Since my divorce in 2007, I've dated four women. No men. I've discovered a lot about myself; some amazing, some alarming.
13. Quite possibly the most pressing truth I've discovered is that at this time in my life I have no business getting involved in romantic relationships. In practical terms they keep getting in the way of what I want to do and experience.
14. Even the most casual romantic relationship requires more time and attention than I have to offer.
15. You won't see me flipping cartwheels over #13 and #14, but they've proven true time and again. Whether I accept the truth doesn't change the truth, so today I'm practicing acceptance. "The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it," wrote Flannery O'Connor. Indeed.
16. I accept what-is and I'm open to change.
17. I'm on fire and in love -- and I mean wholeheartedly, unabashedly, full-soul-force wild passionate LOVE -- with photography! That is what I'm meant to be doing with my time. Following those breadcrumbs is where my energy is called to go.
18. I am a fantastic doggie mama. I'd have given birth if I could birth puppies. I love my dogs with every fiber of my being.
19. Certainly hasn't always been the case, but today I'm a good daughter and a good sister. I love and value my parents and brother with all my heart, and I hope both my behavior and attitude convey that.
20. I want to be a better friend. I'm blessed to attract and know a fantastic array of kick-ass people, and I'm an introvert still learning to live outside my comfort zone.
21. I tell myself I have a hard time hurting someone's feelings who's interested in me, but wise ones assure me that the state of others' feelings isn't within Carla Blazek's superpowers. Their story and their feelings are their responsibility. People-pleasing harms everyone, including me. An old therapist once said, "If you don't tell the truth, the right thing can't happen." This, by the way, is the quote on zena moon's speak my truth candle. I should light one later.

Thanks for listening. The main reason I decided to share publicly is to help anyone else who might be feeling similarly not feel alone. That's so important -- not feeling alone. I fully realize I've just put the kibosh on any future dating possibilities and that now would be a lovely time to enter a convent. That's OK. Today I've got my dog, my camera and a good massage therapist.

Some people are better left in the past

"For every person who might reject you if you live your
truth, there are ten others who will embrace you and welcome you home."
–Marianne Williamson

Believe it or not, I honestly can't remember if/when I've ever been personally and openly judged by a self-proclaimed conservative Christian. But I was last night, by a childhood friend no less — actually, we were best friends in grades 4-6 — who finally admitted she has a problem with my path to such an extent that she was unfriending me in Facebook. Yes, the ultimate rejection!

What brought this on was a frustrated, mean-spirited comment she left on this blog post, peppered with smiley faces, happy exclamation points and the suggestion that I stop overanalyzing life and become a Christian, meanwhile taking potshots at my spirituality. I deleted her comment, because I treat all my spaces as sacred space, and sent her a short note explaining what I did. That I read her words as unkind and unsupportive. I said I'm glad she found a path that works for her, and that I have too.

She wrote back. I didn't read her response word for word. Didn't have to. Scanning it, I caught more than enough:

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

You're constantly unhappy.

I don't think your path is working for you.

I'm a conservative Christian and I'm not comfortable with your path.

I'm unfriending you.

I'm not entirely sure what part(s) of my path cause her discomfort, but I can guess. Does it matter? Is it personal? Not for me to say. Honestly, I suspect other historical stuff is playing out here. The fact that I unfriended her in the 7th grade (for being too conservative!) and a couple other decades-old resentments she aired — peppered with smiles and laughter — when we reunited in person a couple years ago. Of course I recognized the stinging beneath the smiles, the old hurts never healed, and I apologized. I did what I could to make amends for the harm I caused her. It was sincerely nice seeing her that time, although also a little strange, her drinking and me not. An ironic twist. I suspected there wouldn't be a next time, and I was fine with that. Despite our differences, we stayed connected via Facebook and had many friendly, supportive exchanges over the years.

Here's the part where I say I know all Christians aren't like my old friend. Most of the Christians I know — Lutherans, Catholics, Protestants, whatever — most of the people I know — are amazingly loving, open, accepting and non-judgmental. Nuns and laypeople alike. I think that's why this smarts a little. It's not the who, it's the ewww. I'm not confronted with bigotry very often and it's jarring when I am. It's incomprehensible, archaic and unnecessary. It's ugly.

Do we really all have to look, believe, vote, feel, think, dress, worship and live the same, or similarly enough, for some to be comfortable?

Who knows, maybe she simply doesn't like who I am. I'm fine with that, too. Because I love who I am. Very much.

Bottom line: I'm not going to let someone's discomfort with who I am stymie, inhibit, edit or stop me from practicing the gifts God gave me. Namely, paying attention to my life. Writing about it. Photographing it. Living it. Cultivating a relationship with God, Spirit, the Creator, my private name for my Higher Power, or whatever name I choose to use. Learning to be the best Carla Blazek I can be, the one God intended me to be. Which, whether I like it or not, constantly involves letting go and moving on.

Truth-Telling and Bloodletting

This morning, a one-two punch.

First, hearing news that "should" be positive, simply left me sad. News that shouldn't surprise me, nor sadden me, but it did and I don't have to figure out why. Years ago I learned to simply let my feelings be what they are. Feelings don't want my clever analysis, justification or intellectual acrobatics. They simply want the soft warmth of my lap. To be allowed. To hear the words, It's OK. I understand.

Second, inadvertently winding up on the skirts of the hate group WBC's protests and counter-protests at Gonzaga and Ferris. Several friends are counter-protesting around the area, and I applaud them. I know myself well enough to know I'm not emotionally or energetically equipped to attend counter-protests, be involved in political movements, or do much in the way of activism other than live my life openly and honestly.

Already a bit shaky, I read their hateful signs, literally using the word HATE, bringing tears to my eyes. I am bewildered. I don't understand hate. I'm proud of the people in Spokane's community who counter-protested with beautiful signs, kindness, music and peacefulness. I belly-laughed when I heard them play "You've Got to Change Your Evil Ways." I honked and waved supportively at them, the best I could do.

I knew I needed a drink from the well, so I went to an AA meeting. Relief. As always, I got what I needed and heard what I needed to hear.

Here's what I know:

This life is mine. Ultimately, it's the only thing that is.

What happens in anybody else's life is none of my business.

Others come and go. Vows or blood, nothing and no one is permanent.

Letting go is a process.

What's right for you isn't necessarily right for me, and vice versa.

Self-worth comes from within.

I want to paint my bedroom.

Some days are sadness, some days are joyful. Some days are both!

I wasn't born with much emotional insulation. I tire easily. I need plenty of mental and physical rest. This means saying no to some things I'd rather say yes to.

I am doing my best to love what is and to focus on what's ahead of me. What I love today: Garden carrots and Concord grapes from Mom. My recovery peeps. New fleece sheets. Love in the streets. Big candle orders. T minus 48 hours 'til the Gonzaga women's basketball pre-season scrimmage! Leftovers. Silas. Acceptance.

When hope is easier said than done, a thread to hold onto

From the truly amazing and inspiring Jen Lemen, on a day I feel empty (again) and wonder (again) whether my life is winding down. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe it isn't for me to question, much less know. Maybe I simply need to hush the questioning, and act as if I'm meant to thrive.

"I have no secrets."

I've watched this at least two dozen times today. Makes me smile every time! You and me both, sister. Three cheers for honesty and brevity.