zena musings

Silly goats and a poem about JOY

Take hold of your own life.
See that the whole existence is celebrating.
These trees are not serious, these birds are not serious.
The rivers and the oceans are wild,
and everywhere there is fun,
everywhere there is joy and delight.
Watch existence,
listen to the existence and become part of it.

— Osho

This photo was taken at River's Wish Animal Sanctuary on the outskirts of Spokane. The best part? After I shot this photo, I got to hold a bottle. One of the sweetest and most fun things I've ever done!

Every day I eat, I pray, I love

Another pretty good day, punctuated by the realization that today marks three Mondays in a row I haven't tormented myself with "__ weeks ago today, Lucy passed." Prayer officially answered. Guess I'm now marking the grace of forgetting instead. Not forgetting Lucy — not on your life — but forgetting to torture myself with such thoughts.

A few things I'm appreciating today:

1. Hopping back in the Weight Watchers and training saddles. Proud of myself for allowing a necessary 1-month break without self-recrimination (or gain), and for getting back in the groove when it was time.
2. A peaceful, invigorating trail run with Silas through warm pine-scented woods.
3. The bubbling of unexpected emotions while sharing at an AA meeting. After, holding hands with two of my favorite men. Feeling anchored between them.
4. Hearing one of those men say, "I try to look for God's best at work in my life." Love that.
5. Cooking with fresh rosemary.
6. Tonight's dinner, pictured above. YUM! Chicken breasts liberally sprinkled with Herbes de Provence, browned, then baked at 350° for one hour with rice, chicken broth, carrots, garlic and chickpeas. My current favorite one-pot meal!
7. Cuddling a sleepy Silas.

Holy Lucy Goodness

Yesterday I received a card enclosing a small gold heart from my friend Carole. Carole and I have known each other since the mid-80s, when an old spiritual tribe found one another at Digital Equipment Corp. We reconnected on Facebook. She is an astrologer and healer. This is what she wrote:

Dear Carla,

As I wrote in my email to you, Lucy asked me to send this to you. The dream experience was very short and very clear.

This heart was hand carved by Stephen Huneck, the creator of  The Dog Chapel in St. Johnsbury, VT. I got it when I went there for Stephen's memorial service. The beautiful dog energy that flows from there knows no boundaries, and dogs in spirit I'm sure hang out there a lot. I believe Stephen is now working at the Rainbow Bridge.

I feel blessed that Lucy came to me this way and asked me to be her messenger. I've charged this Heart with Reiki, and Lucy has filled it with her unending Love. She is so excited! Lots of puppy smiles. She wants you to know that her heart and yours will beat together forever, and she will love you always.

Many, many blessings Carla!

Love, Carole

The heart was wrapped in pink tissue paper. Lucy's favorite color. :) That this arrived on a very difficult day is no coincidence. My gratitude to Carole is inexpressible. It simply brings me to my knees. There is the seen, and there is the unseen. I continue to pray to be open to the unseen.

Our part is not knowing, but looking, and touching, and loving

One of the first things I read this morning was "Grief is Universal but grieving is personal." My grief for Lucy comes in waves. Mornings are tsunamis. I pray. I snuggle with Silas. I read Facebook and grimace at the predictable plethora of Life is amazing! Everything's perfect! status updates. Fuck that. I go downstairs. I feed Silas. I feed myself. I play with Silas. I open my car's back door, because that's what I did when Lucy was here and I'm not ready to stop yet.

I miss her so much. I'm going to write soon about some of the things I miss about her. It's still really hard. Sometimes I'm OK, sometimes all I can handle is Good Orderly Direction (one acronym for God) one moment at a time.

I do my best to get through the day, doing what I can without pushing myself. Most days someone comes over, distracting Silas and me for a few hours. The companionship is extremely comforting.

Today is only the second Monday since she passed. I hate Mondays right now. I prayed pretty much constantly this morning and had a good cry while packing candle orders and working in my studio.

The mail delivered a sympathy card from someone I don't even know, plus a gift from my friend Carole. I want to write about it and will as soon as I get her permission to share what she wrote in her card. It was so powerful -- a gift not only from Carole, but from Spirit and Lucy. I stood at my altar, lit my Lucy candle, closed my eyes to say a prayer and as I touched Lucy's collar it felt energetically exactly as though I was touching Lucy. I stood there quietly for a while, peaceful inside, basking in the knowledge that I was touching her energy. I've never experienced anything like that before.

Immediately afterwards I said something to Silas about his sister and he trotted over to the dining room drawer where I keep their dental chews aka Dobie crack. Lucy was OBSESSED with dental chews, wanted them 3 times a day. Silas likes them but rarely asks. I really believe Lucy was here and prompted Silas to ask for a treat.

Silas and I had a really nice afternoon. Some work, some play, some laughter. I am so grateful for Silas. I am equally grateful for today's energetic connection to Lucy. I've been praying to be open to experiencing her in new ways, with new senses. I knew I wanted to write about today even though I don't have enough focus to write flowery details. This is mostly for my own memory. Two weeks. A very hard morning transformed into a very special day.

I believe I will never quite know.
Though I play at the edges of knowing,
truly I know
our part is not knowing,

but looking, and touching, and loving.

Mary Oliver

I love you, Lucy.

Love, Loss & Evidence of God

 Lucy and my brother Bob in Montana, Summer 2008 

I am lost. I can tell Silas is too. There's no one for him to howl with or kick his butt wrestling, or watch over the yard for. Life is too quiet without Lucy's squeaking, barking, howling and general insistent cuteness. I want her back. She was here 3 days ago at this time, perfectly fine. What the fuck?!?

God, I don't understand anything.

Silas and I have been bombarded with love and support. I've decided to keep track for my own consolation. Yesterday alone we had:

• A card slipped under my front door from Ron, Mary Ellen & their 20 paws (5 dogs)
• A morning visit from Tonya bearing freshly baked warm banana bread (Silas loves baked goods too)
• A morning visit from my Mama
• An afternoon visit from Cary, with pink potted flowers, a card and a squeaky toy for Silas that says BITE ME
• An offer from Abby to bring lunch on Friday, and invite others, and dedicate the lunch to Lucy
• Dozens more comments, posts and emails offering support, sympathy, understanding and love
• A super fun playtime with Max for Silas, which definitely helped lighten both their hearts
• An afternoon visit from Tonya bearing homemade vegetable beef soup
• The first sign from Lucy/God via my Mom! After Lucy's ashes were delivered to her -- because I'm not ready to have Lucy in that form yet -- my Mom went back down to finish making yogurt and there was a black Lucy hair floating on top of the milk! If that'd happened at my house it'd be a typical day, but Lucy's never stepped foot/paw inside my parents' new house and my Mom had clean clothes on. A definite sign.
• So much LOVE, support and hugs from women at my Wednesday night AA meeting
• A rose quartz crystal -- which symbolizes love -- anonymously left on my front rockery
• An evening with Sami, who filled my water glass and brought me plates of fruit with whip cream and wrote both a letter to Lucy and a Philosophy paper about Lucy (with her permission I'll post them both)

I have never experienced more love, connection and support than I am right now. I can't even tell you how much it means to me. How much it helps.

I'm not functional and I suppose it's good I don't expect myself to be. The most I can do is the bare minimum at work which today is going to be packing up one candle order then emailing wholesale customers that their orders will hopefully ship next week. I can't do more than that. I've decided to go for a swim at noon, and Sami's coming over to sit with Silas while I'm gone. I don't want him to be alone.

This afternoon I'm going to start a new routine to replace his old routine with Lucy. I HATE THAT I HAVE TO BE DOING THIS. I just want her back! But in addition to the usual off-leash playtime I'm going to start taking him for a walk every afternoon, during the time the two of them would normally roughhouse.

Writing helps. Being with people helps. But I can't avoid feeling this immense grief and loss, which comes and goes in waves when I stop writing, when the people leave.

The last 7 years have not been easy. I thought 2010 would be a banner year, and the first half was genuinely good. Yet once again life feels like a neverending series of loss and grief punctuated by brief intervals of happiness. I've sent a Vacation Request in to God, that I don't have to come back and do this Earth Dance again. It's too hard for someone like me. Like Tonya and I were saying this morning, some of us were born missing key pieces to the coping puzzle.

Meanwhile I shower Silas with love, friends, play and affection. Wander around. Breathe. Cry. Shower. Pray. Sleep. Be held. It's all I can do.

Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body
answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains.
Kahlil Gibran

I've waited my whole life for this year!

My birthday falls on 10.10.10.

I cannot tell you how excited I am. It's as good as the year I turned 10 on 10.10, which was also exciting! Wildly, that very same year, my brother turned 7 on 7.7.

So, recently I started noticing other milestones happening in 2010 that add up to 10 or 20, or are in increments of 5. This year:

• zena moon turns 10
• Elliott was born 20 years ago
• Lucy turns 10 in '10 (also cool – next year she turns 11 on June 11 in '11!)
• Silas turns 6 on the 14th of July and 6 + 14 = 20
• Silas was adopted 5 years ago
• My house turns 100 years old
• In October (God willing) I'll celebrate 5 years sobriety
• Alcoholics Anonymous turns 75

Since last year I've known 2010 would be a powerful year for me. Most important is a renewed commitment to self-care. Speaking my truth, loving myself via action (exercise, Weight Watchers, personal and spiritual growth, etc.), enJOYing my life, writing, and focusing on what I have to offer to the world. I'll finish my book Women at Rest this year, and I'm happily working on a new website offering my editing, proofreading and creative coaching services (coming very soon!).

If anyone knows about numerology, I'd love hear what any or all of this means!

Sacred Life Sunday: Heeding the Call

 
Prayer is a major part of my daily spiritual practice, and I've gotten to the point where my first thought upon waking automatically is "Hi God!" Except when the Dobies wake me up too early, then it's more like "Goddammit." But the Dobies are with their Dad right now (we share custody), so this Sunday morning I lounged and luxuriated in bed, saying my prayers and asking for guidance.

You know how sometimes a song randomly pops into your brain and you're certain it's some kind of sign or theme you'd be wise to heed? Laying in bed this morning  I heard Peter Frampton's lyrics, Oh won't you show me the way... Quite apropos!

Life continues to be a long strange trip of faith-building for me. Confusion abounds; recently I've made difficult but necessary choices; and unanswered questions fly through my brain morning, noon and night. I'm diligent about asking for guidance and fairly vigilant, I think, when it comes to paying attention.

So this morning I asked for the umpteenth time, "What am I supposed to do next?"

Got up. Put on bathrobe. Bathroom. Then the computer to check Facebook. The very first words I read were a comment on my status yesterday. My friend Stephanie wrote, "Write a book. I'm serious. I'd read it."

To which I burst out laughing! Could the answer be any clearer? And how perfectly aligned with this month's Full Moon message: It's time to claim your true gifts, whatever it takes. That might mean turning yourself inside out, to heal from psychic-emotional wounds that prevent you from stepping into creative power.

How this will help my income I don't know, but I guess at this point that isn't my business. My business is to do the work I'm clearly being called to do. As my friend Tom says, "God pays for what God orders." So you know what? I'm going to do it. I am going to carve out time every week to write. It's been a long time coming -- years of writer's retreats and blogging and procrastinating and encouragement from friends and family.

What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that it doesn't matter what I think or feel or fear. I asked for an answer and it could not have come any more quickly or clearly! I'm fairly sure I know what the book is going to be about -- Women at Rest -- but I'm also open. And that is the best way for me to be.

Elliott in Bloom

A year ago I created a small memorial garden featuring a cutting from Elliott's clematis. This clematis was dubbed Elliott's because it's always in explosive full bloom glory on his birthday (June 10) and over the years I shot at least 12 or 13 of his birthday portraits sitting in front of it. You can see the clematis behind him on the left in his 15th birthday portrait below. My boy. Isn't he handsome?! He's also impatient to be done with the dang photo session so he can scarf down the pumpkin muffins the candles are stuck into. I always bake them specially for the honeys' birthdays.

Elliott passed in 2007 and I don't live in that house anymore, so last spring Bryon (my ex-husband) took a cutting from the clematis, rooted it and gave it to me. It didn't blossom at all last summer and I wasn't sure it'd survive our insanely long winter with record-smashing snowfall. I was overjoyed when I saw fresh greenery shooting from its base a few weeks ago!

I think about (and miss) Elliott every day, this morning even moreso because it's the first day of his birthday month. (June is also Lucy's birthday month -- hers is the 11th.) Today I was outside mowing and doing other yard work when I noticed... a FLOWER ON THE CLEMATIS! The very first flower on Elliott's clematis bloomed in Spokane on the first day of his birthday month!

Hurray Elliott! Hurray Mother Nature! And a great big thanks to God for today's gift in letting me know that my boy is still with me. :) :) :)

P.S. Just realized it's no coincidence I fixed Copper River salmon for dinner tonight. One of Elliott's many nicknames was Fuzzy Bear due to his resemblance to a grizzly bear, and many jokes abounded as to his looking like an open-mouthed grizzly fishing for salmon on the Copper River.

I definitely believe coincidences are one way God tickles us and maybe even shows off a little bit.

Letting Go, Acceptance & Kick-Ass Coinkidinks

This week's silence hasn't been on purpose. I've had a lot to share, but every day the moment I sit down (or lay down :)) to type... instant blank. Enduring blank. Unchangeable blank. Not a drop of water in the well. Even composing a sentence or two in email or as a blog comment takes an inordinate, downright excruciating amount of effort.

So, today I'm experimenting with writing at a different time. Because I think these long sunny days of dogs and grieving and work and recovery, by 4pm I am mentally empty. Hence, the instant, enduring, unchangeable blank. What I can do -- can only do, it seems -- after 3pm is  fill myself up. Read. Rest. Eat. Socialize. Pray. Watch The Tudors repeatedly (I can't help my obsession and frankly wouldn't want to even if I could!). Flickr. Sleep.

In zena moon news, I hired a new part-time workerbee named Ian, a strapping 16 year-old drummer, guitar player and now zm wax chopper upper. There's a quiet slyness to him that reminds me of Tim. We need boy muscles on staff. Ian is the son of legendary Inland Northwest blogger The Unbearable Bobness of Being. I also have two non-payroll boys on call, the teenage sons of a longtime customer. All three are hard-working, willing and bright -- gives me a lot of gratitude for the present and hope for the future.

Photos and blurbs of all my new workerbees are coming soon. I threatened told them if they don't provide photos and blurbs, I will!

Letting go of Tim, Chris and Alice was one of this year's hardest acts. I had major ongoing worries about replacing them, yet to my surprise and delight I easily found fantastic workerbees who jumped in feet first. More proof that I'm being taken care of.

I miss Elliott. I miss him more than I can comprehend, much less express. Friday was three months since he passed.

So much gratitude and so much grieving -- so much letting go and so much new stuff -- all happening intensely, acutely, simultaneously, hour after hour, day after day, half the time I don't know which way is up. It's no wonder I'm exhausted.

Several extremely cool things happened this week.

1.) Thursday Marla Emde and I met for icy Izze's at The Shop. She told me where to take my borrowed bike for a tune-up in preparation for next month's Valley Girl Triathlon -- which Marla organizes and I'm doing for the first time in my life. I have to not only buy but actually wear (hold onto your hats and do not visualize) TRIATHLON PANTS which you can swim, bike and run in. I know I won't be the biggest woman doing this event but I will state right now that NO ONE is allowed to photograph me wearing these shorts! If you dare, I will slay you where you stand (even you, Mom). I'm pretty nervous about doing this triathlon -- it's my first -- but Marla said just have fun, don't worry about competing or going fast or looking good, just take it easy and enjoy myself. So that's my plan -- and isn't this great advice for life?

2.) Yesterday energy healer Mary Willard and I met at Rockwood Bakery. Wow. I felt instant comfort with her and from her. I wanted to follow her home, like a stray, to remain in her soothing presence. Unexpected bonus: Mary recommended a local retreat center for the Women at Rest retreat I'm holding this fall. Details coming soon!

3.) Wednesday I thought I broke the front outdoor water faucet. A couple weeks ago I thought I broke the back faucet when the water mysteriously stopped. I've worked around its demise by joining hoses together and just using the front faucet ... until Wednesday when that one stopped delivering water too. Argh! As you know I am beyond done trying to troubleshoot + fix things I don't understand, so I casually wondered how much it'd cost for my plumber Greg to come over and fix the problem.

Two hours later, I look outside my front window and there's Greg and my Dad! (My Dad's the one who recommended Greg.) My Dad stopped by with some financial paperwork and Greg "happened" to stop by to see what I'd decided about putting a bathroom in the basement. (Not this year.) Greg took a look at and fixed both outdoor water faucets which weren't actually broken, it was a hose snafu which he took care of -- free of charge.

4.) Friday I took my dogs for a walk in the country. They're supposed to be on leash, but no one was around and it's usually not a problem. Friday it was a problem -- at least for the older couple we came across. I called my dogs and quickly led them up a hill we hadn't climbed before. I was crying a little, feeling overwhelmed and sad and mad and helpless. Then I looked down, and there in the ground was a perfect Carla-sized concave thickly padded with warm pine needles. While Lucy & Silas did their thing, I laid down in the concave and let Mother Earth cradle me.

5.) I took the top photo out where I walk the dogs. I'm a complete amateur, but it's the best nature photo I've yet taken! I love it.

Spirit always, always takes care of our needs. I am reminded over and over again that my job is simply to show up, ask for help, do my part (often much smaller than I imagine) and let myself be cradled.