zena musings

21 things that spontaneously flew out of my heart + fingers this morning

1. It’s easier than you think.
2. Whoever you are, whatever your desire, wherever your path — OWN it. Unapologetically.
3. Be real. Be YOU. Playing it cool is dull. (Thank you, Danielle LaPorte, for nailing it.) Enthusiasm is hot. Awkward spontaneity smashes the flimsy weak veneer of hip every fucking time.
4. If right now you’re mimicking someone you admire, keep going. Stay curious. Keep writing, keep moving, keep taking pictures, keep reading, keep exploring and for God’s sake keep obsessively listening to your deepest innermost guts. You will stumble upon your unique way of stringing together words, composing images or moving through life.
5. Within you are undiscovered talents, strengths and treasures you don’t even know exist. They may be different from what you expected. Don’t shrink away. Claim them. Trust them. Follow their breadcrumbs.
6. Keep moving forward. But please please please know it’s OK to rest whenever you need to for as long as you need to. Rest is necessary. Just pay attention to your intuition because timeouts can masquerade as secret ways to coddle your fears.
7. Share your journeys and discoveries with us, honestly and openly. We want to hear your stories. We need the wisdom of your learnings. We long to witness and support the unvarnished truth of you.
8. At times you may feel different than. That’s OK. Different doesn’t mean separate from. You belong and you always will.
9. Change is not an option. Change is the essence of Life. You can’t hide from change so don’t even try. Embrace your lifelong evolution and the personal evolution of every single person you know. 
10. Make letting go a daily spiritual practice. 
11. Those stories you tell yourself in your head? You’re making them up. Stop falling for fiction. Don’t make assumptions. Be willing to change your perception.
12. Practice, practice, practice. There is no mastery. Do your best and eventually your best will get better. Screw perfection. Adopt the attitude that sucking actually ROCKS! Toddlers don’t berate themselves when their legs buckle and they fall on their rumps. They get up and try again.
13. Life is short and unpredictable. ENJOY. Choose wisely. Be good to yourself.
14. Love with unfettered abandon whoever and whatever lights you up! No need to justify, rationalize or explain.
15. That said, being on the other end of someone's obsession feels creepy and gross. If someone you’re attracted to doesn’t share the attraction, let them go. Stat.
16.  Prayer works. Prayer works best when we let go of what we think the outcome should be.
17. Your comfort zone can turn into a Venus Flytrap. Being uncomfortable is often an incredibly good sign. 
18. Remember you’re not in charge. You’re not the Head Coach. You’re simply one important yet temporary player on a really, really big team. Everyone contributes in her or his own specialized way. No one is expected to play the game alone and you won’t carry the ball 100% of the time. Sometimes we’re on the court, sometimes we’re on the bench. We all contribute no matter what. We’re always part of the team. 
19. God has bigger plans for you than you could ever possibly dream of. Get out of your own way. Leave the Big Game Plan to God (S/He holds it anyway). Leave room in your hours and days and weeks and months and years for Life to guide you, dazzle you and use you in magical + unexpected ways.
20. You know less than you think you do. You love less than you’re capable of. Isn’t this marvelous? Keep your beautiful heart + mind open!
21. Love always wins.

Flashback 15 years: Marriage, divorce and healing

Fifteen years ago I was laying on a rose-strewn massage table. It's my wedding day. I never expected to get married. Never wanted to. But I'd fallen in the kind of love that feels permanent. For the first time I'd found someone I wanted to commit to.

Like us, our ceremony and vows were unconventional. Drums beat, sage burned. My gay boyfriends walked me down the makeshift aisle in our backyard. Our dogs carried our rings. A dear friend, an ordained Catholic nun, officiated. We promised to be together as long as it served each of our highest good. And for 10 years we were.

Our marriage ended five years ago. As separations go, it was amicable. He helped move me to Spokane. We vacationed together that summer and even spent Christmas together. Bittersweet. Even though I'm now grateful a hundred times over, letting go was an excruciating process. Everything about my life changed. My home, my community, how often I saw my dogs (we shared custody for years), my comfort zone. I was lost and fragile.

For months I couldn't even say the word divorce out loud. When the Marriage Dissolution papers arrived in the mail, I realized how insignificant -- like signatures on a marriage license -- paperwork is. That's neither where our relationship came together nor fell apart. I remember pulling them out for a friend who was spinning out over her own separation saying, "This little 1/2-inch stack of paper? That's all a divorce is. Your relationship still exists, just in a new form. Stop scaring yourself with words." Ha! Exactly what I needed to hear myself.

For a good long while I was angry, hurt and resentful, but that shit's toxic and I stayed committed to my spiritual path. No matter how I felt, I went through the motions of right action. Naturally I licked my wounds raw time and again but mostly I acted as if this was God's will for me. I practiced trust, sometimes well, sometimes crappily. Lots of f-bombs in my prayers those days. Slowly a new life unfolded. New friends. New community. New activities. New everything. Better everything.

My ex and I were estranged for a while. A tough yet absolutely necessary gift. Fire purifies. Today we're building a new friendship. Our lives are progressing exactly as they're meant to. I absolutely love the woman he now shares his life with, and their nutty Dobie.

Healing takes time and dedication. It takes willingness to be really uncomfortable (not my strong suit!) and do awkward stuff like gratitude lists, socializing and being in this moment on a continuous basis. Fortunately I'm surrounded by lots of wise women (and men) I'm willing to listen to and accept direction from. They've never steered me wrong.

Recently I was clearing out old paperwork and stumbled across my divorce papers. I don't need these, I thought. I inhaled with a new awareness and freedom. I don't need these. So I shredded them. Not with animosity or vengeance, simply with release.

The past is over.

Today I'm alive and free in ways I never dreamed possible. I absolutely LOVE my present and I'm excited beyond measure for the future.

But I went through hell to get here. The secret? I kept going.

My summer fun to-do list

Swim in outdoor pools
Play in lakes, rivers, kiddie pools, any available water
Spend two weeks exploring abandoned places in Montana with camera, tent and Silas
Make and drink much lavender lemonade
Go barefoot as often as possible
Read novels
Evening bike rides with friends
Celebrate Silas's 8th birthday
Celebrate my brother's mumbledymumbledth birthday 
Tend my new garden box
Pick huckleberries
Dive deeper into my work
Take (daily) action on my dreams
Lay under the stars and watch the Perseids meteor shower on 8/13
Volunteer + get inspired at Valley Girl Triathlon
Play with the kids in my life
Hike, walk, run, lounge, frolic in Nature
Explore, experiment and open up to new ways of being via Kerry Blazek's FUN 40-Day Feel Good Challenge and Leonie Dawson's Business Goddess e-course (ridiculously excited for both! sooooo ready for new learnin'!)
Meander around my awesome neighborhood
Take frequent roadtrips to new places
Overdose on cherry tomatoes
E N J O Y
Let summer have its way with me in new and beautiful and unanticipated ways
Take a ridonculous amount of photos
Learn, grow, live even more deeply in awe and gratitude

Many thanks to the divine Stacy De La Rosa for the inspiration. If you write your own list, please link to here in the comments so I can read yours too!

An Invocation for Beginnings, or "Let's start this shit up."

I'm scared. I'm scared that my abilities are gone. I'm scared that I'm going to fuck this up. And I'm scared of you.

I don't want to start. But I will. This is an invocation for anyone who hasn't begun, who's stuck in a terrible place between zero and one.

Thanks to my friend Olivia for sharing this truly fabulous invocation. I'm posting it so I can watch and believe and internalize it again and again, as I start some of my own shit up! And so you can too. I think you'll love this...

Spring Cleaning

It's in our nature, the need to sweep out winter's dust and polish the windows. Boxes filled with linens, pillows, clothes and towels are stacked downstairs ready to be donated. The bottom of my garbage bin holds yard debris. On top, expired foodstuff. And on top of that, things -- many things -- that qualify as emotional debris and expired sentimentalstuff, long past their Use By date.

All tossed with a deep sense of relief and a dash of defiance. Nowadays there are higher standards for what I keep.

Without much sentiment I'm culling photos from Flickr and Facebook. Deleting emails. Ditching CDs, old software installation discs, unused candleholders  and other unwanteds. Releasing what no longer serves and by that I mean, to a large degree, what (and who) hasn't felt good for some time. A simple barometer. There's something about this spring, this year . . . letting go and making room has never felt so good!

I don't know whether I'm moving forward and I certainly don't know what lies ahead, but I do know this: I'm facing forward. I'm looking in the right direction.

New years and new beginnings needn't be flamboyant — just let the light in

 
even if it's not possible
to start completely over,
there is still this:
the day, opening into itself
and you, parting the curtains,
seeing all that light come in.

– Maya Stein

I snapped this photo from my bedroom window a few minutes ago, on this frigid 10° first day of 2011. It's a quiet, pressure-free morning at Chez Blažková, just how I like it. Snuggles and kisses with Silas. Belly full of warm food and freshly squeezed orange juice. Prayers prayed. Favorite morning mix CD, courtesy of Lisa Evans, playing. New calendars hung. A few tears shed, missing Lucy. Some poetry. Gratitude.

I don't know what 2011 will hold. I'm not going to proclaim its sensationalism, predict its kick-assedness, or pronounce my wishes for you. They are your own to nurture and claim.

What I am going to do is greet each day and live each day to the best of my ability. Some days I'll touch thousands, some days I'll be still and simply receive. Most days will vary in between. It's all good enough. My job, every day, is simply an ongoing prayer and listening for God's will for me, and the power to carry it out.

Rather than resolutions or even intentions, which feel flimsy and thus easily abandoned, I have a list of To-Do's for 2011. Some are private, but here are a few:

• Join the Y
• Paint my bedroom (eggplant)
• Shoot new candle photos for zenamoon.com
• Talk to back neighbor about replacing fence
• Talk to Ron H & Julie Z about photography
• Send fan mail to Rebekka Guðleifsdóttir
• Setup shop on myshopify or etsy to sell prints
• Do the Valley Girl Triathlon and run a 5K
• Eat more veggies

I need gentle structure and parameters to help move me forward, to continue growing and opening and becoming the woman God intends me to be. My Ego isn't running the show; in fact, it often cuts the lights and sends the audience home. For me, it's about getting out of the way, letting God do God's job, and doing what's in front of me. No grandstanding, or Great Big Plans, just cultivating my gifts, enjoying my life, and as John O'Donohue wrote, living "like a river flows, carried by the surprise of its own unfolding." For me, it's about allowing, being kind, serving others, living frugally and simply, and stepping into that Light.

In the Mind of God, there is a fully created image of you at your most creative, abundant and joyful. And there is a divine blueprint by which this image would take form in your life. It is not something you can MAKE happen, but it is something you can ALLOW to happen, by making the softening of your heart your primary goal. This is the meaning of spiritual surrender.

– Marianne Williamson

Allow is my word for 2011. Yes, allow it is and allow it shall be.

The Real Woman Creed by Jan Phillips

I believe that within me lies an extraordinary radiance, and I commit to letting my light loose in the world.

I believe that the source of my power and wisdom is in the center of my being, and I commit to acting from this place of strength.

I believe that I possess an abundance of passion and creative potential and I commit to the expression of these gifts.

I believe that the time has come to let go of old notions and unhealthy attitudes, and I commit to re-examine what I have been told about beauty and dismiss what insults my soul.

I believe that negative thoughts and words compromise my well-being, and I commit to thinking and speaking positively about myself and others.

I believe that young women are in need of positive role models, and I commit to being an example of authenticity and self-love.

I believe in the relationship between my well-being and the well-being of the planet, and I commit to a life of mindfulness that regards all living things as holy and worthy of my love.

I believe it is my spiritual responsibility to care for my body with respect, kindness and compassion, I commit to balancing my life in such a way that my physical being is fully expressed and nurtured.

I believe that joy is an essential part of wellness, and I commit to removing obstacles to joy and creating a life that is full of exuberance.

I believe that a woman who loves herself is a powerful, passionate, attractive force, and I commit, from this day forward, to loving myself deeply and extravagantly.

(Words by Jan Phillips. Self-portrait by my beautiful friend Julie. Special thanks to my friend Mary.)

A Girl in Trouble is a Temporary Thing

I'm stuck. Rather, my car is. Thanks to a late-night snowplow that closed off my driveway with one long, large, heavy, hard, unshovelable iceberg, I can't back out of my driveway. And thanks to frozen ice, I can't pull my car forward any farther in.

First gear, reverse, I turn the wheels this way and that, gunning it. Nada. Just spinning wheels. I shout expletives. LOUDLY. I get out, stomp around the car, unable to determine why I can't go forward. The wheels are totally clear, goddammit. But it doesn't matter what I see, or that I don't understand why, the undeniable fact is that I'm stuck.

My favorite neighbors aren't home. I'm not desperate enough to ask my least-favorite neighbors — the ones I suspect are meth addicts. So I hoof it to the corner store to rustle up some manpower. The third man approached is my man.

Slowly but surely, he pushes and directs my steering until I have traction and then suddenly I'm on the street. Victory! I thank him profusely, realizing later I should have bought whatever he'd stopped at the store for. I still feel guilty for not thinking about this soon enough.

Sitting in my noon AA meeting, relaxing at the deepest levels of my being, basking in Spirit, it hit me. This is what I do; in fact, this is exactly what I did earlier this week. I got stuck. I asked for help. And when I followed the directions of a spiritual mentor (my AA sponsor), almost immediately I got unstuck and experienced the inner freedom and serenity I have come to need and to rely on, as solid and steady as the ground beneath my feet.

The rest of the day has gone swimmingly! It always amazes me, but never surprises me anymore, how when I take care of myself spiritually, everything else falls into place. I hear the same thing time and again from others.

Now I'm about to leave for Eastern Washington University for the Gonzaga women's basketball game. My Dad turned 69 today. Happy Birthday, Big G! I picked up sandwiches from Domini's, which we'll eat together before the game.

I'm grateful for the simple things. A warm home. My family. Silas the Dobie. Friends. Helpful neighbors shootin' the shit over snow shovels. My AA peeps. Basketball. Awareness. Awakeness. Aliveness. How it all begins and ends with God.

Overcoming Creative Block

Scott Hansen asked 25 creative folks the same question: What do you do to inspire your creativity when you find yourself in a rut? Read the answers over on Scott's blog, ISO50. Be sure to read the additional tips left by readers via comments.

I especially like Nicholas Felton's practice of alternating the tenor of his years. Odd-numbered years concentrate more on travel and personal projects. Even-numbered years focus on work and profit. Although I couldn't financially afford to rotate crops at this stage in my life, I love discovering new ways to think.

My current mantra: Just DO IT

Better to do something imperfectly than to do nothing flawlessly.
Robert Schuller

As quoted on our just do it candle, which I have been burning night and day while working on what's next...