Thanks to Netflix I've been binging on Boston Legal, a series I recently discovered and am enjoying tremendously. Especially hotshot lawyer Alan Shore, played by James Spader. In an episode I just watched called Smile, a 9 year-old girl who suffered nerve damage and can't smile is facing discrimination at a private school. Alan tells her smiling is overrated.
Alan: You know, Marissa, not smiling has its benefits. You don't give your thoughts away so easily. It's a great advantage in card playing.
Marissa: That's funny. But... I'd rather fit in.
Alan: Have you ever heard of a Greek philosopher named Epictetus?
Marissa: No.
Alan: He was a funny man with a certain flare for life. Epictetus compared people who "fit in" to the white threads of a toga. Indistinguishable. He wanted to be the purple thread. "That small part which is bright, and makes all the rest appear graceful and beautiful. Why then...", he asked, "do you tell me to make myself like the many? And if I do, how shall I still be purple?"
Marissa: Sometimes being purple is kind of a pain.
Today I'm grateful to be purple.
Grateful for my Self as my Creator made me.
Grateful for the rich tapestry of family, friends, customers and strangers who populate my life.
Grateful for the split-wide-open love I feel for my dogs. Today is 4 weeks since Lucy passed. Mondays have been especially hard, but I've been praying for relief and my prayers are being answered. The last few days I've been feeling better. Like most things, it takes effort on my part, including making conscious choices which thoughts to follow. I've also made several plans this week that I know will be enjoyable.
I need to choose enjoyment. Laughter. Pleasure. Life. It's not being unfaithful to Lucy. If anything, it honors her more fully. I received a note today -- God seems to send Big Flashing Messages on milestone days -- supporting this. A Flickr friend/fellow Dobiemama created a mosaic of Lucy for me, and wrote for my address. Then she said:
Whew - You had one impatient girl who wanted me to finish her today. Screaming at me no, not that pink, the pinks you have in the container. I was going to use a certain pink, not real happy with it and I had a voice in my head saying go back and check for that container that had the oceana glass. I looked through all my glass and there it was!
People think it's strange that I get feelings off of pets when I do my mosaics so I don't say alot on my flickr site. But I wanted to tell you what I kept feeling, coming off in waves from Lucy.
I had a hard time through the tears finishing her up today. I just have an overwhelming sense of sadness that's just made my arms heavy and my hands shake. I don't know if I was feeling you having a hard day or what.
She says she doesn't like you to be sad, or have such a heaviness in your heart. She misses your smile. She is watching over you and Silas every day and wants you to know she's okay. When you close your eyes, she is there, with you.
I burst into simultaneous tears and laughter. Bossy and impatient: that's my Lucy! :) Something about those tears felt sweeter and lighter...
Today I worked half a day, then took Silas for a nice long walk along a semi-new (to us) stretch of the Spokane River. We had a terrific time. Then I took him to PetSmart for a new kong toy. Two little girls asked if they could pet him. Yes, I said, he loves kids. So they petted him. Then they started dancing and skipping circles around him singing, "Siiiiilas! Siiiiilas!" He loved it.
We're exploring and discovering our new rhythm as a pack of two. We're going to be OK.
I can't believe it has been FOUR WEEKS!
I am glad you're purple, Carla. I think I'm purple too.
What a wonderful friend your mosaic lady is! What a gift she has given you...her words so resonate with me.
I send you love today, O
Posted by: Olivia Brown | Monday, August 02, 2010 at 10:09 PM