I worked awhile today, but I'm not pushing myself. My friend Cary told me that in one culture, people in mourning go up a mountain and don't come back down until they're ready. Could be 2 weeks, could be 6 months. It's up to the individual.
This week has been full of tears and blessings.
Tuesday I had a session with our longtime animal communicator, Polly Klein of Tonglen Healing Arts for Animals. I was able to hear from Lucy and share with Lucy and this was comforting beyond words. Polly and Lucy reassured me that I have been communicating directly with Lucy ever since she passed, and can continue to always. I've been talking to Lucy as if she was here, because she still is. I've also begun using the voice Lucy uses to talk to me, Silas and the world. Lucy always has and always will have a lot to say. :) It's helping all 3 of us, although sometimes it confuses Silas because he sees Lucy too.
I miss my girl with all my heart.
This morning I got super pissed at God. I vented and sobbed and cursed and questioned. Eventually it dissolved into sadness and hurt. At 10, Lucy wasn't old. She was happy, loved, wanted and healthy as a horse. No one was ready for Lucy to pass, including Lucy. It seems so unnecessary to have happened now. Lucy told Polly that it felt like she got shoved out of her body. It was that sudden and unexpected for her, too. She tried to get back into her body, but said she was held and smothered with comfort (angels?) that wouldn't let her return.
Why did she have to pass now? WHY? Goddammit. Katherine Graham once said, "Some questions don't have answers, which is a terribly difficult lesson to learn." The only message I heard this morning is that life is God's party, and we're just the invited guests.
I continue to be awed and humbled and helped by the outpouring of love, support and gestures of sympathy. Yesterday I received a beautiful memory journal from a longtime zm customer and Facebook friend. Today Silas and I received two cards in the mail. The Mom of zm workerbee Max baked heart-shaped doggie biscuits for Silas's birthday yesterday. Plus so much more...
I, too, am being held and smothered with comfort. Angels are everywhere.
And I'd gladly return everything if it meant getting Lucy back.
This grief completely mirrors the love and joy I feel for her. It SUCKS to go through this -- I just want her back -- but it's a clean grief all for Lucy. There's no muffling it or stuffing it. Trying to do so would be nothing less than a slap in the face of the love I have for her.
That's really about all I know.
Carla, I love how you are able to voice your feelings about Lucy's passing. So many hold it in and I think that hurts the healing process so much. I think being angry that she was taken to soon is a healthy way of dealing with your loss. Having Silas around to shower your love will let Lucy know you are going to be alright.
Hugs to yo both
Emma
Posted by: Quilted Moose | Friday, July 16, 2010 at 12:10 AM