I don't know why I needed to write this, only that I did

"My virtue’s still far too small, I don’t trot it out and about yet."
Collette

I am not a goody two-shoes and never have been. The things I do:

• Pray every morning
• Cultivate a relationship with God daily
• Try to discern and follow God's will for me
• Lead a quiet (often downright monastic) life
• Work part-time at an easy yet consistent pace
• Practice the 12 steps
• Exercise several times a week
• Read poetry, study the mystics, shun the news
• Live simply
• Bring my creative dreams to life and help others do the same

And the things I don't do anymore:

• Drink
• Lie
• Fuck around
• Use others to fill my needs
• Overwork, overspend, over-indulge, over-everything
• Instigate and chase drama (now I can't even tolerate it)
• Be with people who aren't positive influences spiritually, emotionally, energetically, etc.
• Gossip
• Pretend I'm something I'm not

...are not because I'm special, virtuous or smug. They're for my sheer survival. Simply put, if I am going to stay on this planet and not go insane, this is what works for me. I'm 46 years old and it's been a long, long journey of self-discovery, one that will continue the rest of my life. And it's a relief to know I've finally found my basics in that upper list. Yours may differ and that's more than OK. You are you! We aren't carbon copies of each other, thankfully, and after decades believing something's wrong with me because I'm different, because I'm not part of the mainstream, because I don't even feel like I fit in with the fringes I've explored and by rights "belong" to, I'm at peace with who I am today.

I'm a spiritual being having a human experience as Carla Blazek. My job -- my only job -- is to explore and be the Carla God wants me to be. Who that is today is very different than who it's been. I'm learning . . . always learning . . . and always praying for the courage to take the action and risks to let her emerge.

Right now I'm in the process of taking a big new step in that emergence . . . stay tuned. :)

I hang out with nuns, burlesque dancers, South Hill moms, recovering alcoholics, ex-cons, college students and kids. I'm gay but after 3 years have yet to find many other gay women in Spokane I admire and connect with. I desperately want to. I love diversity. I eat meat, I eat gluten and I have no desire to stop. Politically correct social and/or spiritual movements make me want to revolt even when I agree with them. I've never watched Star Wars or American Idol. I refuse to do yoga or use the words local, green and organic even though I often buy local, green and organic. I prefer puppies over babies. Sometimes I shop at Walmart (let's see how many Facebook friends un-friend me! HA!) and I wish my neighborhood South Perry Farmer's Market was open year-round.

I am a woman of contradictions.

I abhor labels.

I am a rebel at heart.

I loved the 80s.

I love God unabashedly.

I believe God is everything, science included.

I have zero interest in debate, or trying to convince anyone of anything.

I resonate most deeply with pagan and Buddhist practices.

I am drawn to nuns, certain I was one in a past life. In this life I am NOT a Christian. That said, reading this passage on The Praying Life today really spoke to me:

Yet we try to justify our fear by hunting around for the cause of our discomfort and call it whatever is fashionable – midlife crisis, the government, the economy. In doing that we subvert the process of growth and maturity God has initiated within us, usually at our request. Think about it. What sort of things have you been asking of God lately?

The sacred action of transformation within our souls as individuals and nations will create turmoil, uncertainty, painful loss, and suffering. This is the cross. At the same time it is purposeful, hopeful, and to those who remain grounded in faith will, absolutely, result in new life and greater freedom to love and serve one another. For me the bottom line is this, where do I get my news? What is my foundation, the central fact and eternal truth of my life? CNN, FOX News, my wimpy ego, or the Risen One calling me to trust in the hidden life and power of God around every bend in the road?

Since I'm not Christian I don't get the cross and Risen One bits, but the rest is gold. Get over ourselves and get on with our own holy work. In my case, that's writing. Off to it!

Comments

[Jane]

Carla,

I'm so happy that I get you on Feed Blitz now. Oh my God, how I've missed your writing! This post really resonated with me on so many levels. At almost 46, I struggle daily with the fact that I can't ever seem to figure out what my life's purpose is. I put so much pressure on myself. I'm happy to say though that I am developing a list of the things that DON'T work for me anymore. I miss some of my daily rituals that have gone by the wayside for one reason or another: prayer and meditation for starters. I know God plays a huge part in my life and I've seen him work amazing things for me. So much of the time I simply forget to slow down, breathe deeply and talk to God. This post was just beautiful and straight forward and for that I am grateful this morning.

Jane
(the painted house)