Stream of Consciousness

Struggle, silence, sloth, inertia, fear of misstep. Recovering and healing from last year's missteps. Are you there, God? It's me, Carla.

I'm writing this for myself, because yet again it's morning. Yet again there's a giant question mark hanging over my head.

For quite some time I've been praying and looking for guidance what to do next. By quite some time I mean well over a year. Something needs to change. Like many small businesses struggling to stay afloat in this economy, zena moon has slowed to the point where it no longer supports me. After 10 years I'm plum out of marketing and creative steam. And last autumn's week-long stint working on a movie at NXNW proved beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm jazzed for a fresh work environment. Part-time. Flexible hours. With people.

Part-time because I want to continue running zena moon. I'm not ready to sell my business yet. Plus I know myself well enough to know I can't/won't do what it takes to work a full-time job, unless that job and the work environment are something really special.

So far, no strong hints or clues. No I-really-want-to's. This is a very new place for me to be. It's uncomfortable and scary. I've been paying rapt attention on a daily basis, and frankly I'm tired and frustrated at God's lack of direction. I'm tired of asking, tired of listening. On bleaker days I question whether God's done with me. Whether I have anything more to offer. Whether I'm even employable! Some ideas I'm considering and have looked into:

• Start an errand service
• Do proofreading work
• Find a part-time or temporary job
• Go to school to learn something new, but what? Web design? Software development? Massage?
• Join IATSE and work on theatre/movie crews

Last week I met with a counselor at Spokane Community College and left overwhelmed with information and choices. I didn't attend college and have never taken a single college class, so academia is an unknown world for me. I don't know what, if anything, I should pursue there.

I am so very tired of not knowing. Probably even more tired of not doing.

So, next week I'm taking a test to work temporarily on the 2010 Census. Will any of this lead anywhere? Am I on the right path? What should I do? I don't know. I don't know anything. I only know that something needs to change, and I don't know what to do beyond the tasks at hand today.

Any words of wisdom, insights, help or guidance would be much appreciated.

Comments

[Dragonflyreflections.wordpress.com]

I keep thinking the answer is maybe someplace inside me - something I did as a child (something I've forgotten, of course), something I do now without giving much thought, something I'm inherently good at by virtue of my experience. I suspect somewhere in all of that is the answer to where I'm supposed to go next, but for the life of me, I haven't been able to decipher the code to figure it out. For now, I just keep testing things by trying them out - tried school (wasn't for me), love taking art classes (may be something there), sort of like writing (hmmm, takes LOTS of practice), and so on. No answers yet, but the journey isn't so bad!!

[Handspirit.blogspot.com]

Oh my please prepare for my rambling stream of conciousness triggered and oh so familiar to yours...I cried with the sameness I felt as I read your post. From the sloth, inertia, fear to praying for guidence to not ready to sell to no college degree to census work (took the test last month)and being oh so tired.
I've been told that universally and astrologically this is a time of shift and change that collectively we are on the brink of a new way of being..
in the meantime consider changing our measurment of success instead of monetary to energetic, lives touched, smiles shared. Live the journey not the outcome. Be aware of ego and the vibration we put out. All this being said, I KNOW, how hard it is to live it.
I beleive mostly Carla what i need to say is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I have admired you, been inspired by you and followed you and your journey for years.
You were my first ever blog, you capured me with your eloquence and honesty. I have gifted your candles, fundraised, memorialized and sold them. They are one of my all time favorite lifegiving products. Zena Moon is a most favorite resource.
As I struggle to find ways to survive my business a simple thought came to me. What if you requseted your accounts to promote an intention (candle)each month, collectively we all would promote/sell this Candle (intention) it would be one big collective prayer, intention. I am here pulling for you, to support zena moon, to breathe new life into it, to encourage you to breathe life into your everpresent creative spirit, to trust, to have hope and to know that you have what it takes...even if it is unclear at this moment.
And to take my virtual hand and accept my gratitude for all you have created in me and in the world...many lights shine upon your inspiration.
www.two-sisters.org
Sorry about the ramble.

[Lisa]

Endeavor. Calm. Leisure. Stillness. Fear of mystery. This is not God. Just Lisa. :)

After reading this post, I immediately thought of picking up the phone and calling you. But then I wondered "What in the world could I possibly say that would convince this incredibly talented, intelligent and beautiful woman who has the answers she's looking for that she is incredibly talented, intelligent and beautiful and has the answers she's looking for?" This is a quandary without question.

Yes, I have insights and would be happy to share them with you. What's in my head isn't any different than what's in my heart, but in the interest of keeping my comment to a reasonable length, I'll impart a few bits of a 41 year old's wisdom. You have so much to offer. Uncomfortable and scary usually precedes comfortable and safe. Trust that you do know. The tasks that are at hand today are enough. If you're on YOUR path, you're on the right one.

I know you're a fan of David Whyte and in one of his writings in his book, "Crossing the Unknown Sea" he has this to say...

But still, on the ocean, there is
no path
only the needle's trembling dance
north
...followed
without fear,
though the dance now is fear
and calmness
in one movement
seeing
as you look
not only the angry sea
of what you
have denied
but
here,
near at hand,
in the center
of your body,
the rose-fire
of the compass
blossoming
with direction

Until we have ourselves a chat, know that I'm sending you love and lightness.

[pati]

Hi,

Similar to the first post, after reading your post I thought, "You already know what you need to know." I'll write more later, but wanted to at least leave you with that thought. Best, Pati