This week's silence hasn't been on purpose. I've had a lot to share, but every day the moment I sit down (or lay down :)) to type... instant blank. Enduring blank. Unchangeable blank. Not a drop of water in the well. Even composing a sentence or two in email or as a blog comment takes an inordinate, downright excruciating amount of effort.
So, today I'm experimenting with writing at a different time. Because I think these long sunny days of dogs and grieving and work and recovery, by 4pm I am mentally empty. Hence, the instant, enduring, unchangeable blank. What I can do -- can only do, it seems -- after 3pm is fill myself up. Read. Rest. Eat. Socialize. Pray. Watch The Tudors repeatedly (I can't help my obsession and frankly wouldn't want to even if I could!). Flickr. Sleep.
In zena moon news, I hired a new part-time workerbee named Ian, a strapping 16 year-old drummer, guitar player and now zm wax chopper upper. There's a quiet slyness to him that reminds me of Tim. We need boy muscles on staff. Ian is the son of legendary Inland Northwest blogger The Unbearable Bobness of Being. I also have two non-payroll boys on call, the teenage sons of a longtime customer. All three are hard-working, willing and bright -- gives me a lot of gratitude for the present and hope for the future.
Photos and blurbs of all my new workerbees are coming soon. I threatened told them if they don't provide photos and blurbs, I will!
Letting go of Tim, Chris and Alice was one of this year's hardest acts. I had major ongoing worries about replacing them, yet to my surprise and delight I easily found fantastic workerbees who jumped in feet first. More proof that I'm being taken care of.
I miss Elliott. I miss him more than I can comprehend, much less express. Friday was three months since he passed.
So much gratitude and so much grieving -- so much letting go and so much new stuff -- all happening intensely, acutely, simultaneously, hour after hour, day after day, half the time I don't know which way is up. It's no wonder I'm exhausted.
Several extremely cool things happened this week.
1.) Thursday Marla Emde and I met for icy Izze's at The Shop. She told me where to take my borrowed bike for a tune-up in preparation for next month's Valley Girl Triathlon -- which Marla organizes and I'm doing for the first time in my life. I have to not only buy but actually wear (hold onto your hats and do not visualize) TRIATHLON PANTS which you can swim, bike and run in. I know I won't be the biggest woman doing this event but I will state right now that NO ONE is allowed to photograph me wearing these shorts! If you dare, I will slay you where you stand (even you, Mom). I'm pretty nervous about doing this triathlon -- it's my first -- but Marla said just have fun, don't worry about competing or going fast or looking good, just take it easy and enjoy myself. So that's my plan -- and isn't this great advice for life?
2.) Yesterday energy healer Mary Willard and I met at Rockwood Bakery. Wow. I felt instant comfort with her and from her. I wanted to follow her home, like a stray, to remain in her soothing presence. Unexpected bonus: Mary recommended a local retreat center for the Women at Rest retreat I'm holding this fall. Details coming soon!
3.) Wednesday I thought I broke the front outdoor water faucet. A couple weeks ago I thought I broke the back faucet when the water mysteriously stopped. I've worked around its demise by joining hoses together and just using the front faucet ... until Wednesday when that one stopped delivering water too. Argh! As you know I am beyond done trying to troubleshoot + fix things I don't understand, so I casually wondered how much it'd cost for my plumber Greg to come over and fix the problem.
Two hours later, I look outside my front window and there's Greg and my Dad! (My Dad's the one who recommended Greg.) My Dad stopped by with some financial paperwork and Greg "happened" to stop by to see what I'd decided about putting a bathroom in the basement. (Not this year.) Greg took a look at and fixed both outdoor water faucets which weren't actually broken, it was a hose snafu which he took care of -- free of charge.
4.) Friday I took my dogs for a walk in the country. They're supposed to be on leash, but no one was around and it's usually not a problem. Friday it was a problem -- at least for the older couple we came across. I called my dogs and quickly led them up a hill we hadn't climbed before. I was crying a little, feeling overwhelmed and sad and mad and helpless. Then I looked down, and there in the ground was a perfect Carla-sized concave thickly padded with warm pine needles. While Lucy & Silas did their thing, I laid down in the concave and let Mother Earth cradle me.
5.) I took the top photo out where I walk the dogs. I'm a complete amateur, but it's the best nature photo I've yet taken! I love it.
Spirit always, always takes care of our needs. I am reminded over and over again that my job is simply to show up, ask for help, do my part (often much smaller than I imagine) and let myself be cradled.
fabulous post and wonderful photo, carla!
i can hardly believe it's already been 3 months since elliot passed away. time really flies and so much has happened for you since!
i think it's awesome that you are doing this triathalon. doing events like that for the first time is scary, but it's also oh so empowering. wishing you luck in your training!
Posted by: leah | Sunday, June 03, 2007 at 03:26 PM
The boy digs his new job. You should hear him tell his buds about it. I think it's a great match for him. Thanks again :)
Posted by: Bob | Sunday, June 03, 2007 at 10:41 PM
I found your blog just after Elliot passed, and I felt so connected because I was going through the same experience with my beloved Zoey dog. Tomorrow it will be 3 months since she passed and I miss her so much. But reading your blog has helped me. Can't tell you why, and I don't even know you, but I am comforted by your words. Thank you!
Posted by: Su | Monday, June 04, 2007 at 01:44 AM
"I am reminded over and over again that my job is simply to show up, ask for help, do my part (often much smaller than I imagine) and let myself be cradled."
It can be soooo hard to remember this, yet it is so, so true.
Posted by: Kelly | Monday, June 04, 2007 at 07:06 PM
I simply love you, Carly,
Scout
Posted by: Scout | Monday, June 04, 2007 at 07:58 PM
I really understand how you are feeling about Elliot, having lost my 17 year old cat in the same week you lost him. It's kind of harder now than it was then...she was truly the soul of my house.
There is a book called "Slow, Fat, Triathlete" that motivates me each time I sign up for a race. The author offers all kinds of great hints for triathlons and has always put me in the mindset to just have fun rather than be worried about competing.
Posted by: Julie | Tuesday, June 05, 2007 at 03:03 AM
I really like your last four words...
"...let myself be cradled". It's a nice way to think and to allow oneself to be supported by Spirit.
Much love,
A
xxx
Posted by: JourneyThroughLife | Wednesday, June 06, 2007 at 01:57 AM
You know all dogs go to heaven, and, actually, heaven is where you stand, so guess where Elliot is? Yes, I know, it's more comforting to actually feel the fur, but, think of it this way, the cradle you are experiencing is in the same "place" as Elliot. If you can experience that, you can actually feel Elliot. And, you my be surprized to find that the dog suit Elliot used to wear is way too confining for the huge, and I mean HUGE presence he really is. That gives me goose bumps! Love ya, Kathryn
Posted by: Kathryn Knoll | Wednesday, June 06, 2007 at 09:52 AM
that photograph is absolutely beautiful, the colour and the dof make my heart sing :)
i haven't done a triathlon in oh so many years, ahem .. in over a decade. wow. how absolutely wonderful ~ hmmmmmm ... you've definitely got me thinking. will be cheering you on from here ~ yah you :)
i love that you found a place for the earth to cradle you ~ much love ... xox
Posted by: daisies | Thursday, June 07, 2007 at 11:23 AM