The Ugly Comparison Game

A couple hours ago Silas and I were snuggling on my studio couch and I thought, How many people won't ever know what it looks like to snuggle with a Doberman? So I reached for my camera and snapped this photo. My sweet baby!

It's a good day. A little work, a lot of life. Worked out with my new kickass personal trainer. He is such a stud. I love him. There was a time I would've been intimidated by him. Maybe it's age, maybe it's the fruits of my work in recovery, but few people intimidate me these days. Every day I sit in rooms with doctors, lawyers, homeless folks, artists, professional athletes, actors, prostitutes, stay-at-home moms, teachers, students and carpenters -- and there is no hierarchy, no competition, no judgment. Inside we are all the same, our stories bind us, our path unites us, and our unity is what matters most. The relief, the refuge of oneness. We are taught to look for the similarities, not the differences, and it works.

So why is it so damn hard to apply this practice to the rest of my life? Why do I constantly compare myself to you? My writing to your writing, my husband to your husband (who I've never even MET), where I'm "at" in life (as if it's measurable), my age, my weight, my home, my goals, my output, my accomplishments, my talents, my intellect, my coolness, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum. I compare my reality to my fantasy of your reality. Can you guess how it works out? Right! Dismal.

I know it's common human nature, but the result of all this comparing is that I fall short 100% of the time and feel downright shitty about myself. Too old, too fat, too dull, too dowdy, too imperfect, too whatthefuckever. I'm tired of spinning this noose of a narrative. I need to change it. I've tried not reading blogs that really trigger a less-than feeling in me, but I'm not sure that's the answer. I'm not sure what is the answer, but I suspect it has something to do with practicing self-acceptance and turning it over to God. (Ugh, more prayer.)

Believe it or not, despite the above, my turmoil level is pretty low. Mostly I feel like a concerned bystander observing myself wondering, Good grief, girl, why on earth do you keep hitting your head against that brick wall?

Maybe the answer is: Just stop.

Okey dokey! I need to write a gratitude list pronto, so here's what I'm grateful for today:

• Knowing I no longer have to FEEL like doing something good for myself in order to do it anyway (pray, workout, go to an AA meeting, speak/write my truth, eat my veggies)
• Snuggle time with Silas
• Road ice turned to slush
• A healthy mind and body for my spirit to express itself through
• Living in an area with many healing and therapeutic choices for animals
• Bryon and our furbabies
• My Name is Earl and The L Word
• A woodstove
• Fresh trout for dinner (thanks to Bryon)
• Feeling connected and loved even when I'm alone
• You

Comments

[Jory Des Jardins]

C,

C,
I don't know why we compare ourselves to others. I wondered why someone as fabulously attractive and with such an empowering attitude as you could even compare yourself with others, but if said you never did I'd think you were a liar, so now I'm doubly in admiration of you. Vulnerability, IMHO is one of the most admirable strenths.

[daisies]

oh wow ~ and see I thought I was the only one who did that ... I suspect we all do it and its funny because I light your beautiful candles and the calm washes over me and my heart sees your beauty and I am so grateful that I found you in the mess of beautiful blogs I visit : )

and silas ~ what an absolute cutie!!

[liz elayne]

oh how i am right there with you...
i was just confessing a surprising rearing of the ugly head of blogger envy in my world. i haven't felt that in a while but one moment last week it started and it hasn't really let up since. i am letting it go, but it sure can happen....and it never does anything to help me to say the least.
i am so grateful for your truthfullness.
and your gratitude list is wonderful...i just got the first dvd of the l word from netflix today. have been hearing so much about it lately, i thought i needed to check it out!

warm blessings to you on this chilly night...

[Christina Frei]

Carla -
hey, girl! as someone who is a mistress comparison-maker, and who has been working at calming down for years, here's what i've found. i tend to compare less when i'm taking risks in my own life. then i'm too caught up in my own stuff to worry about others. when i'm getting bored and freeing up some mental/emotional energy, that's when i start playing those games with myself.

so maybe this is a sign that you're preparing for some bigger risk-taking, that you're bigger in spirit than you even know and it's just a matter of giving yourself a chance.

i'm so happy you're sharing all this.

big hugs,
Christina Frei in CT

[leah]

i wrote about this same topic last week. for me it was all wrapped up in fear and being stuck and not making art. i read some great passages in "the book of awakening" wrote about them and then the next day found the courage to break through all those comparing voices and get back to work. action is helpful. gratitude is also helpful. xoxo

[Calissa]

Love you, love you! You're awesome. SO honest and it makes me want to keep coming back. Seriously, you speak my heart. I started laughing throughout your post because I was just checking off the phrases I tell myself, one by one, they were all there! You are not alone. We are such teenagers, huh? ;) It's okay.... we're growing. And blogs and comments, they help us grow and work through those less-than feelings. But I completely understand.

p.s. Aren't dogs the very best?!!

[deb]

I just found your blog and it's such a relief to find that other women feel the same as I do, comparing myself to others, never satisfied, looking for a balance in life.

[Goddess of Leonie]

holy fuckery,
you just really touched my heart.

right on.

thank you deep deep deep for sharing this.

with love,
leonie