When The Universe Says "Whoa Nelly"

The dust is settling. The dogs are with Bryon this week. As if in quiet support of my need to rest, work has slowed to a standstill and I am left with three things:

1. Me
2. My feelings
3. God

Normally this has the potential to terrify me, but I'm too tired for fear.

I have been given the time and space to grieve and feel sadness over all of the foundational losses I've sustained this spring: the end of my marriage, Elliott's passing, moving to Spokane. I will not -- in fact I physically could not even if I wanted to -- inflict further harm to myself by stuffing my emotions via busyness/booze/food/drama or pushing myself to do anything more than the bare-bone everyday basics.

I pray. I shower. I eat. I do the work in front of me. I take walks. I see friends. I watch some TV. I sit in the sun. I read. I write a little. I sleep.

And I allow these feelings of sadness that I wake up with in the morning and then shadow me throughout the day. I let them breathe air. How often I've resisted downtime for fear of what might happen -- what dangerous ghosts might unexpectedly pop up in the prairie dog town of my psyche. How often I've feared the company of just me, my feelings and God. But this flood was far too big to hold back with my saggy little leaky sandbags of control. And so the sadness flows and flows and you know what's most amazing? Feeling my feelings isn't the scary landmine I thought it would be. It's painful, yes, but it's mostly quite tender, poignant and, well, sad.

We're told the only way out is through. I know this to be true.

I'm grateful to be feeling rather than stuffing, denying or suppressing. Being present to myself and gently tending my emotions is the easier, softer way. I know without question it's the self-loving way.

I would love to hear how you care for yourself during tender emotional times. Or how you would like to!

(Photo by finley123.)

Comments

[Olivia]

Carla, I just let myself be. However it is...just like you're doing. And spend lots of time alone too, to process...and write, so I remember what I'm learning. And remain open for direction.

I'm at the place in my life right now where there is a lot of releasing and letting go taking place, creating a void that will be filled by I-don't-know-what, but am trusting that it will be filled in the right time in the right way. I'm working on being comfortable in the void, with the emptiness, and working on trusting Spirit, too.

And too, as you wrote, avoiding all of the destructive things that are palliative but keep me from being with the hard feelings, which I want to learn to do better and better.

[Laura DeVault]

Carla, I, too, just let myself be. And I watch it happen, and enjoy the unfolding of emotions. I let them unfold outdoors as much as possible, where they have space to move. I notice my body as it personifies grief in its posture. I sleep when I need to sleep. I touch the earth as often as possible. I talk to myself and the Divine out loud. I prepare nourishing food for myself, slowly, and eat it gently. I invite grief to sit with me right out in the open. And as soon as possible, I dance.

[daisies]

well, i learned that just sitting with my grief is the best way, its going to be there regardless and trying to hide it deep down only serves to disconnect me while breathing it in deeply and acknowledging and honoring it connects me, fills me with a peace and grace that i didn't know i had ... and ensuring that i am being gentle and good to myself and giving myself permission to do whatever it is that i need, being good to me as you said, self-loving ~ so important.

[Kikipotamus the Hobo]

Sometimes I feel very tense and then realize that I just need to let it out. Cry. So I do. If someone is with me, I make a joke about getting snot everywhere and we both laugh. Then I blow my nose and cry some more.

[Marilyn]

I liked your comments on loss. Over the past few years, I've had so many of them that all the labels of who I was...mother, wife, daughter, grand daugher, sister, teacher, Ohio resident, etc. have left me a new shell to crawl into and see how it fits. One step at a time...looking for the good things, not staying stuck in "it shouldn't be like this..." We're still here. Still figuring out the "why." It's in the "why" we will find our place, I think. Peace to you.