Women at Rest

Simple Pleasures

Raspberries from my garden

Watching a friend's daughter play Hoopfest

Leaving Hoopfest before I got tired

Riding the bus (first time since I lived in Prague)

Returning to the quiet sanctuary of home

The satisfaction of assembling a bookcase the instructions said takes two people -- all by myself! I'm a stud!

Taking photos of Lucy and Silas

What were your simple pleasures today?

Practice Allowing

Your life is quite capable of living itself naturally and easily.
It does not need strained attempts at control.
It is the attempt at control which causes loss of control.
Have you ever noticed your lack of command at the moment you try to command?
When demanding something from another person, you lose command of yourself.
You and your life are one and the same, so there is no you and a life to command.
When you are one with yourself, you are also one with life, which is full control and complete relaxation.

~Vernon Howard

(Photo by ImaginationAlone.)

When The Universe Says "Whoa Nelly"

The dust is settling. The dogs are with Bryon this week. As if in quiet support of my need to rest, work has slowed to a standstill and I am left with three things:

1. Me
2. My feelings
3. God

Normally this has the potential to terrify me, but I'm too tired for fear.

I have been given the time and space to grieve and feel sadness over all of the foundational losses I've sustained this spring: the end of my marriage, Elliott's passing, moving to Spokane. I will not -- in fact I physically could not even if I wanted to -- inflict further harm to myself by stuffing my emotions via busyness/booze/food/drama or pushing myself to do anything more than the bare-bone everyday basics.

I pray. I shower. I eat. I do the work in front of me. I take walks. I see friends. I watch some TV. I sit in the sun. I read. I write a little. I sleep.

And I allow these feelings of sadness that I wake up with in the morning and then shadow me throughout the day. I let them breathe air. How often I've resisted downtime for fear of what might happen -- what dangerous ghosts might unexpectedly pop up in the prairie dog town of my psyche. How often I've feared the company of just me, my feelings and God. But this flood was far too big to hold back with my saggy little leaky sandbags of control. And so the sadness flows and flows and you know what's most amazing? Feeling my feelings isn't the scary landmine I thought it would be. It's painful, yes, but it's mostly quite tender, poignant and, well, sad.

We're told the only way out is through. I know this to be true.

I'm grateful to be feeling rather than stuffing, denying or suppressing. Being present to myself and gently tending my emotions is the easier, softer way. I know without question it's the self-loving way.

I would love to hear how you care for yourself during tender emotional times. Or how you would like to!

(Photo by finley123.)

What Is True Rest For You?

Yesterday on Jennifer Louden's blog she asked:

What is True Rest for You?

How do you unplug your body and really rest (think eye bag and ear plugs)?
How much rest do you need, even if you've never gotten it?

Great questions! Here's my reply which I posted as a comment:

Mmmmmm, for me true rest is:

* Lying in bed wrapped in warm covers imagining myself held by Spirit. I call it snuggle time with God.

* Remembering I am not in charge. I am not the manager of the Universe. Thy will, not mine, be done. Turning my life and my will over to the care of God on a daily basis. THIS, for me, is the most profound relief there is. Doesn't relieve me of action -- on the contrary, doing the next right indicated thing is paramount -- but it does absolve me of worry and outcome.

* Quiet and silence -- extended breaks from the company of others and sound of my own voice. Just today I took a Day of Sacred Solitude at home (learned from you!).

* Kicking back on the couch reading blogs, looking at Flickr, with Entourage or The Tudors playing on TV in the background :)

* When nothing is expected of me -- or, when I lower my expectations of myself -- such as when I'm on retreat, or when I'm with good friends, or when I'm out in nature.

* Hearing the magical words "I'll take care of it for you." Boy do I love those words!

* Floating down Swan River in an innertube.

* Lying in a hammock, anywhere, with or without a book.

* Choosing the path of no-drama.

* Living honestly, trusting God, doing right, telling the truth, respecting my limits, practicing acceptance, saying NO when I need to say no and YES when I need to say yes.

I could go on but it'll all be in my book. :) Thanks for linking to my Women at Rest blog!

How about you? What is true rest for YOU? I'd love to hear your answers. Feel free to share either here or over on Jen's blog (which I encourage everyone to read).

A Day of Sacred Solitude

My kitchen windowsill, with an iris from my garden...

I'm having a much-needed day of solitude. No dogs (they're with Bryon this week), no humans, no conversations, no going anywhere. My rules for today are:

1. Stay home
2. Don't answer the phone
3. Move through the day slowly and intuitively
4. Be gentle and loving with myself
5. Do very, very little

Needless to say it's been exquisite! Hour by hour I've felt the stress draining away from my blood and bones. (No doubt helped that I had a 90-minute massage yesterday.) If you asked what aspect of today has nourished me the most, it's the peace and quiet. Not hearing my own voice -- or anyone else's voice -- including the critical, shrill, self-flagellating voice in my head -- has been a thorough relief and inexpressibly, profoundly nourishing. Talk about rest. I just realized I haven't "should" on myself once today and that, my friends, is a miracle.

Ironically -- accidentally, really -- I got quite a lot done today! I...

Slept in 'til 8am

Made my bed (making the effort to do this daily)

Watered the back yard and garden

Finished organizing my office

Setup my awesome new HP 1600 Color LaserJet printer

Listed my HP DeskJet 1220C printer on Craigslist

Prepared a healthy lunch (ham and cheddar on wheat sourdough with lettuce, and a fat juicy plum) and a healthy dinner (spaghettini with homemade pesto, green salad with broccoli and a box of Junior Mints for dessert :))

Listed a bunch more unneeded/unloved books and CDs for sale on Amazon Marketplace (purging is GOOD)

Shipped a few orders

Took a few photos

Sent a few emails

Forwarded womenatrest.com to point to this blog, after transferring the domain from pain-in-the-ass web host iPowerWeb to easy and friendly GoDaddy

Now it's 8pm, and me and my Junior Minty tummy are kicked back on the couch, semi-watching Entourage. Life is calm and serene today. I am calm and serene today. I feel better than I have in months -- which may not last, but no matter. What matters is this moment. All it took was my commitment to stick to 5 simple rules that kept me cocooned and quiet for one lovely, simple, healing day.

What Is, Is -- And What Ain't, Ain't

The truth is the truth.

Trying to manipulate, alter, massage, deny, cajole, frost or skip around the truth doesn't change it. Resisting what's true not only leaves us spinning our wheels, it prolongs pain and oftentimes makes things even more difficult.

Grace enters when we accept what is.

Today I signed marriage dissolution papers. I want to mark this day -- but quietly. There's no need for a big fuss. I don't have the energy for a big fuss. I don't have the energy for even a little fuss.

The truth of my relationship with Bryon isn't altered by paperwork. Getting married didn't create our commitment to one another and getting divorced won't kill it. We continue to honor our vows to love each other.

Our marriage is over, and our friendship is alive and well and transforming and blooming in unforeseen, miraculous ways.

All because we both are choosing truth, love and generosity of spirit.

I'm profoundly tired. Bedtime.

(Photo by David-sm.)

Poetry Thursday

5am I wake up, rouse the dogs and we head to the woods. I want to blow out their energy. Within minutes of exploding out the car doors, both disappear. Lucy for 10 minutes, Silas for 15. It's not even 6am and already I'm yelling. I hate this. Hate their disappearing, hate my yelling, hate feeling powerless.

"I can't do this," I cry.

I've already said my morning prayers, turning my day over to God. "Is this what I get?" I ask God. "Lost dogs and more anxiety? Fuck that!"

Eventually they emerge from the woods, separately. Silas takes off again. I march Lucy back to the car, lock her in, and with leash in hand set off to find Silas. The good news and the bad news is that he knows this area well. My shouting echoes through the pines, letting him know where I am while he remains oblivious to my need to know where he is.

Another 20 minutes pass and finally I hear the jingling tags of his collar. Finally I see him walking slowly towards me, exhausted. He lays down in a big deep mud puddle and drink-chomps water. On goes the leash. I'm so mad and so relieved I can't talk to either of them. Home at last, I lock us in the bedroom and within minutes we're under covers in our spots -- Lucy in the upper corner between two pillows, Silas spooned against me -- asleep.

I'm tired of my voice. Tired of their barking. So, I've said as little as possible today. Lucy and Silas are tired after their morning expedition, so they've been quiet too. I keep reaching for silence. Keep reaching for solace.

Where Does the Temple Begin, Where Does It End?
by Mary Oliver

There are things you can’t reach. But
you can reach out to them, and all day long.

The wind, the bird flying away. The idea of God.

And it can keep you as busy as anything else, and happier.

The snake slides away; the fish jumps, like a little lily,
out of the water and back in; the goldfinches sing
from the unreachable top of the tree.

I look; morning to night I am never done with looking.

Looking I mean not just standing around, but standing around
as though with your arms open.

And thinking: maybe something will come, some
shining coil of wind,
or a few leaves from any old tree –
they are all in this too.

And now I will tell you the truth.
Everything in the world
comes.

At least, closer.

And, cordially.

Like the nibbling, tinsel-eyed fish; the unlooping snake.
Like goldfinches, little dolls of gold
fluttering around the corner of the sky

of God, the blue air.

(Photo by ~K~.)

Saturday Wisdom

Sitting quietly, doing nothing,
spring comes,
and the grass grows by itself.

~Zen proverb

(Photo by ALOHA-EAGLE.)

Dare to Slack

A morning of overwhelm. Too many emotions, too much to do, too much life. My solution? Several dozen games of Hearts which led to cleaning out my Internet Favorites list which led to rediscovering the sheer brilliance of Despair, Inc.

I love this company. No matter how stressed you are, I dare you to browse their products and read through their site without laughing at least a little of your crabby head off. You can even create your own demotivational poster!