zena musings

This Week's Stretch ~ 2/24/07

Today begins Week 2 of Finding Water and I haven't finished Week 1 yet! Mildred my Inner Taskmistress has a few stern things to say about this, and my reply to her is, "Dear Mildred, we are into progress -- not perfection." The photo was taken during my first Artist's Date (a Friday roadtrip to Bellingham).

Today was a full, filling day.

I am constantly having to pivot to the positive, framing my experience into one of choice, God's will and adventure rather than victimhood. This is supreme self-care.

I made amends to my husband for lashing out at him the last two days. I get scared and you know who scares me? *ME*! Hence pivoting to the positive and consciously avoiding emotionally flamboyant language. I am soooooo done being a drama queen (I hope). :) Being emotionally stable and reliable for myself is new behavior on my part that feels extremely unnatural! But boy is it comforting and safe. I am learning what it means to really be here for myself. To serve as my own stability. It totally rocks.

I created two new candles I am VERY excited about! I'll announce them and add them to zenamoon.com as soon as I choose the perfect quotes for them. Oh, they're fantastic! One is a special surprise for someone in our bloggy community. :)

I've decided to treat myself to a new camera! Pretty sure I'm going with the Canon Digital Rebel XT. Many of my favorite Flickr photographers who take the types of photos I want to take use this camera. Either that or a Nikon D70. If you have feedback on either, I'd love to hear it.

Earlier today I spoke my truth and aired my fears and cried and laughed in front of other women and then I let myself be hugged and receive solace. I am grateful I can let myself sink into others' arms, faith, strength and love -- in person and here. To everyone who has commented or simply stopped by and offered a silent blessing, thank you! You rock.

Tomorrow I hope to share something that happened today on Women at Rest. I am awakening to new levels of surrender and serenity as I follow the trail of breadcrumbs my Higher Power is leading me with. And keep letting go of the monkey bar, as Patti Digh so eloquently wrote about here. (Thanks for pointing me to your article, Patti!)

Just surrender to the cycle of things.
Give yourself to the waves of the Great Change,
and when it is time to go, then simply go,
Without any unnecessary fuss.
~Tao Chien

How did you reach outside your comfort zone this week?

See above. :)

This Week's Stretch ~ 2/2/07

My Elliott . . . the handsomest, silliest, fuzziest, cutest head in the world! I'm not sure when this photo was taken. A few years ago, though. I'm thrilled to say he's still doing good, back to normal and I'm beyond relieved. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind comments and hugs, they were sooooo needed and welcome!

How did you reach outside your comfort zone this week?

Without question this week's most important stretch was staying present, staying calm, for Elliott during his seizure Wednesday night.

Two other sweet stretches this week:

• I emailed Liz and confessed I'd like to be friends and hang out and do fun friendstuff together and she said she does too! Yippee!
• Last week I wrote how I needed to do something new and stretchy for my creativity, and the Universe delivered via this heartfelt post by Leah which led me to sign up to do Julia Cameron's new book Finding Water with a whole bunch of other creative souls.

I'm off to pick up Elliott's new heart medicine. Have a wonderful Friday!

P.S. Today's the full moon, which means zena moon offers Free Shipping on orders over $30! You also get a free candle with orders over $60. (Offers good though Sunday 2/4.)

This Week's Stretch ~ 1/26/07

How did you reach outside your comfort zone this week?

Hmmm. For me, this week falls under the umbrella of small stretches:

1. Held my tongue instead of snapping at my husband a time or two
2. Decided to wax a new body part -- no, not a Brazilian* -- on a whim I had my arms waxed and I LOVE it!
3. Fessed up
4. Pushed myself well into extreme sweaty discomfort at the gym
5. Made myself available to others when I'd rather hide and isolate

I really need to do some special stretches for both my creativity and for zena moon next week. I'm not sure what! Ideas...?

*NOTE: A Brazilian is on my personal list of no way no how's, and that got me thinking of other things that may be perfectly natural and comfortable for others -- to each her own! -- but are also on my list of no way no how's.

7 Things I Will Never Do As Long As I Live**

1. Get a Brazilian
2. Wear thongs anywhere than on my bare feet
3. Jump out of an airplane
4. Vote Republican
5. Eat squid
6. Watch a movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jackie Chan or Sylvester Stallone (except for Cop Land which I loved)
7. Smoke

**1-3 never have, never will ... 4-7 done long ago, never again!

This Week's Stretch ~ 1/19/07

Some days run smoothly, some don't. At the gym this morning, after grousing to myself for a solid hour how I sooooo didn't want to workout, after concocting various lies with which to cancel a 10am session with Justin my kickass personal trainer (my dog is sick, I'm sick, I fell down, a cat got caught under the hood of my car and I'm too traumatized to drive), after feeling overwhelmed with everything I need and want to do today, after leaving voicemail to a wholesale customer who's late paying for the zillionth (and last) time, after putting on a T-shirt that made me look HUGELY fat, after pitching said T-shirt into a giveaway box, after slipsliding in slush, after parking a hundred miles away from the gym's door, after forgetting my lock combination, after scratching my arm on the goddam locker, I let out a deep breath and prayed for acceptance that today is simply a not-smooth day.

Then I hooked up with Justin and burned my muscles into shreds. I'm still in a pissy mood, still overwhelmed, still want to isolate, still want to lose 40 lbs (instantly, thankyouverymuch) and divorce Bryon and sell zena moon and join a convent (a progressive and fun convent of course), but at least the you-should-have-worked-out voice is silent today. Today I'll take any victory I can get, no matter how miniscule.

How did you reach outside your comfort zone this week?

Funny I should ask, I was just thinking about that while swimming laps this morning! (See, I'm not even funny today.) I think my biggest stretch this week was speaking my truth despite feeling vulnerable. Wednesday via The Ugly Comparison Game post, Thursday at an AA meeting and today via this post.

Now it's Friday, it's the New Moon and this moonbeam needs to rest. I wish I felt more than the sum of my to-do lists ... but some days are smooth, and some aren't, and I've just gotta hang on and make the best of today.

Everything has its wonders,
even darkness and silence, and I learn,
whatever state I may be in, therein to be content.
~Helen Keller

P.S. After the gym I rewarded myself with new colored pencils and a box of Junior Mints. Not-smooth days merit fun treats. :)

(Photo by Pedro Anahory.)

This Week's Stretch ~ 1/12/07

How did you reach outside your comfort zone this week?

1. I officially announced the Women at Rest & Play Retreat (YAY!)
2. I sat at a table with flowing wine and refused the offer to drink (an uncomfortable first) then excused myself from the table when talk turned to war (can't go there, having wine present was hard enough)
3. I admitted a new fear to my spiritual director (big relief)
4. I participated in a group of 30 recovering alcoholics who volunteered to sit and talk 1:1 with first year medical students at the UW about our alcoholism and recovery (awesome!)
5. I left comments on blogs despite the little voice that says, "Why would they care what I say?"

All week long I've felt scared, awkward and vulnerable -- a perpetual 8th grader. Maybe I'll share more about this in-between sensation and how it helps and stifles me when I actually summon the courage to let the words pour out. Ugh.

My intention this coming week is to open my mind and heart to new experiences of the everyday. In that spirit, here's a poem by Robert Bly:

Think in ways you’ve never thought before.
If the phone rings, think of it as carrying a message
Larger than anything you’ve ever heard,
Vaster than a hundred lines of Yeats.

Think that someone may bring a bear to your door,
Maybe wounded and deranged; or think that a moose
Has risen out of the lake, and he’s carrying on his antlers
A child of your own whom you’ve never seen.

When someone knocks on the door, think that he’s about
To give you something large: tell you you’re forgiven,
Or that it’s not necessary to work all the time, or that it’s
Been decided that if you lie down no one will die.

This Week's Stretch ~ 1/5/07

How did you reach outside your comfort zone this week?

I began working out with a personal trainer this week. Both times I wanted to cancel (fear), and both times I kept my commitment (love). Physically he pushed me harder and farther than I've gone in 20+ years, and much to my surprise and horror, I liked it! I am dang sore and dang proud of myself. This is a huge deal for me, and not just physically.

If you're new to my blog, in July 2005 I challenged myself to step outside my comfort zone at least once a week, posting my action(s) each Friday. Some weeks it's a little toe in the water, some weeks a graceful swan dive, some weeks a giant belly flop, and some weeks it's simply enough to sit tight and not run for the hills.

Witnessing my own courage in action has boosted my belief in myself. I love reading your stretches too, so feel free to join in the fun and share yours in the comments! The cool thing is we get to inspire each other.

This Week's Stretch ~ 12/29/06

I had zero intention of moving this week, much less stretching, but as I follow the simple spiritual practice of just doing the next right thing, occasionally I find myself doing stuff I didn't mean to do.

How did you reach outside your comfort zone this week?

I hired a personal trainer. His name is Justin. He has the kindest eyes and my God he's built and he doesn't look like a Justin at all -- he looks way too menacing and tough for a name like Justin (maybe his original impetus to beef up?). I wanted a female PT until I met Justin. I liked him immediately. He laughs and listens and doesn't break eye contact. He said I don't have to give up my peanut M&Ms. We start working together next week. I'm a little nervous, but mostly I'm ready to be an athlete again. I'm willing to do what Justin tells me. I'm willing to do what my triathlon coach Marla tells me.

With my first triathlon a little over 6 months away, watch my willingness incrementally skyrocket!

This Week's Stretch ~ 10/13/06

"Most people wish to serve God,
but only in an advisory capacity."
~Unknown

I never know what adventures, what rituals, what expectant hands and senses and souls await these candles of mine. I've packaged them up and sent them off to Australia, Scotland, Croatia and all across the USA. I've sent them to women -- and some men too -- celebrating all sorts of things. I've sent them to artists, servicewomen, moms, writers, coaches, widows, sisters, pilots, daughters, divorcees, new business owners and mothers who've lost babies. I've sent them to Oprah and her 5 closest friends.

My candles are lucky candles. They never know what's in store for them! (Let's be honest: neither do we.)

Sometimes when I feel isolation and fear, I think about how many candles are lit across the Earth right this very minute. How many, unlit, quietly grace altars, windowsills, fireplace mantles, bedside tables and bathtubs. It is equal parts humbling, intoxicating and simply God's will. Despite what we think, we are never alone.

How did you reach outside your comfort zone this week?

First -- and this practice is becoming more and more pivotal in my life -- I asked for help. I asked my spiritual director for guidance on a practical matter, then I followed her direction (this is key!) which ran 100% counterintuitive to everything I've ever been taught in business, marketing and life. The details need to remain private, but in general terms here's what happened: Someone famous wrote a thank-you note for the work I'm doing, and rather than treat it as a potential celebrity marketing opportunity or a chance to starfuck, I simply thanked them in kind for their gratitude.

Simple, clean, pristine. Get out of the way and let God direct. That's what let go and let God means. This was truly a revolutionary act for me. And to be honest? One helluva relief.

(Photo Rainy day by tearoom)

This Week's Stretch ~ 9/29/06

I want to acknowledge my surprising lack of posts in September. I also want to let myself off the hook and not attempt to delve into the whys and wherefores.

Some days navel-gazing is tedious and tiresome. Some days I cannot stomach another shitty news headline. I long for the shallow and the meaningless. For simplicity and love and honesty. It's a stunning autumn day, mid 70s, bright sunshine, blue sky. My hair is freshly blonde and I look good in this photo. A 28 year-old guy friend who's a total hottie thought I was 33. That's something to celebrate!

Today I walked and sweltered, misdressed (as usual -- try as I might, I have ZERO ability to dress weather-appropriate!) in too-hot sweats. I didn't care, my body needed to move. I talked with my Dad. I lamented my conscience which insists I correct a $400 error made in my favor. I said my morning prayers, ignored my hairy legs, wrote my gratitudes. Spent an hour with fellow alcoholics and soaked up faith, shared hope, held hands, teared up with joy looking at a tree outside the window.

I am so grateful for life.

Part of me doesn't give a rat's ass about reflecting how I reached outside my comfort zone this week. The truth is that since getting sober nearly a year ago and since beginning to work the 12 steps of recovery, my comfort zone gets blown to smithereens all the time. I live outside it daily, hourly. I have to. And that, paradoxically, grants me more comfort, strength and faith than I've ever known. I am the luckiest woman in the world because of it! I feel like Dorothy when she opens the door and her whole world has changed from black and white to color.

Wow is right. :)

Right now I'm on Step 9 -- making amends to people I have harmed -- which is one constant, giant, scary stretch after another. It's also the most liberating, amazing, self-loving experience I've ever had.

How did you reach outside your comfort zone this week?

1. I wrote and mailed amends letters to a former employer, a childhood schoolmate and former friends in another country.
2. I returned phone calls and offered smiles when I didn't feel like it.
3. Lisa and I sent our bios + headshots to Breitenbush making our commitment to host a retreat there next year 100% official -- YEAH!
4. I told the truth in this post.

Blessings to each of you. I hope your weekend is filled with richness, love and simplicity.