zena musings

The Real Woman Creed by Jan Phillips

I believe that within me lies an extraordinary radiance, and I commit to letting my light loose in the world.

I believe that the source of my power and wisdom is in the center of my being, and I commit to acting from this place of strength.

I believe that I possess an abundance of passion and creative potential and I commit to the expression of these gifts.

I believe that the time has come to let go of old notions and unhealthy attitudes, and I commit to re-examine what I have been told about beauty and dismiss what insults my soul.

I believe that negative thoughts and words compromise my well-being, and I commit to thinking and speaking positively about myself and others.

I believe that young women are in need of positive role models, and I commit to being an example of authenticity and self-love.

I believe in the relationship between my well-being and the well-being of the planet, and I commit to a life of mindfulness that regards all living things as holy and worthy of my love.

I believe it is my spiritual responsibility to care for my body with respect, kindness and compassion, I commit to balancing my life in such a way that my physical being is fully expressed and nurtured.

I believe that joy is an essential part of wellness, and I commit to removing obstacles to joy and creating a life that is full of exuberance.

I believe that a woman who loves herself is a powerful, passionate, attractive force, and I commit, from this day forward, to loving myself deeply and extravagantly.

(Words by Jan Phillips. Self-portrait by my beautiful friend Julie. Special thanks to my friend Mary.)

Sacred Life Sunday: Unstoppable Hope

 
Still, what I want in my life
is to be willing to be dazzled —
to cast aside the weight of facts

and maybe even
to float a little
above this difficult world.
I want to believe I am looking

into the white fire of a great mystery.
I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing —
that the light is everything — that it is more than the sum
of each flawed blossom rising and fading. And I do.

–Mary Oliver

Sacred Life Sunday ~ My birthday spread for 10/10/10

Every year I pull cards on my birthday, to see what blessings and focus are in store for the year ahead. This year, for some reason, two of my decks insisted I draw two cards instead of one. Sounds like I'm going to experience inner peace and move forward in a strong way! This is good news and I am ready. And that's twice in three years I've pulled both REST and LISTENING. Guess I'd better "listen" even more to that!

10 of Swords - Healing, Second Chance

Judgment - Putting the past to rest.

LISTENING - "Let your inner compass direct the course of your life."

REST - "Release guilt and make your needs a top priority."

Whale - Whale reintroduces us to our creative and intuitive energies to show us a talent we've forgotten about or haven't been aware existed. People with this totem are able to understand the ancient language of energy vibrations, and are able to distinguish where others are truly coming from. Whale asks us to recall our past and listen to its stories so we can creatively heal old wounds.

Radiance (Angel)

Sacred Life Sunday: Prowling for God

What would a man buried alive do?

Try with all his strength to breathe the sun again, of course.

Your hands, your feet, your eyes,
your every word and
thought,

there is
not one waking
second

the soul pounding against the cage of the body
does not want God

to rush into its
lungs.

The sleeping man is blessed with
a faith that is not
active.

Faith as it ripens turns into an almost insatiable appetite,

and the awake lion must prowl for God
in places it once feared.

St. John of the Cross

Love Poems from God is my favorite book of poetry. It features poems by 12 well-known lovers of God: Rabia, St. Francis of Assisi, Rumi, Meister Eckhart, St. Thomas Aquinas, Hafiz, St. Catherine of Siena, Kabir, Mira, St. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross and Tukaram. If I could own only 10 books, this would be one of them.

Last night I read the above poem by St. John of the Cross, which I gather was written after he spent 9 months in prison getting beaten with vicious regularity by his fellow priests. Talk about a dark night of the soul. Turns out the most prolific period of his life followed his imprisonment, which gives me hope that maybe God isn't done with me yet. I've experienced such widespread loss the past 3 years, I've seriously wondered.

I would like to go back to sleep. I crave oblivion. But like it or not, that isn't my fate. Nor would it be even temporarily possible without resorting to deadening myself (again) with alcohol. No thanks! For whatever reason, I was born an awake lion. I get to prowl for God in places I once feared, because what alternative is there?

Thank God for the mystics. For poetry. They can be like a sun, words. They can do for the heart what light can for a field.

Sacred Life Sunday: A New Normal

My favorite stretch of the Flathead River between Perma and St. Regis

Yesterday I drove home from a spontaneous trip to Montana. I needed to be with my family at our annual reunion. Being there was surprisingly healing and definitely what Lucy would have wanted. I both missed her and felt her presence, especially by the river and in her corner of the couch. My good girl. I left while I still felt OK, before I hit the skids. I'm learning to spot my limits on the horizon.

Sadness comes and goes in brief yet powerful waves. Smiles followed by anguish buying dog food at Petco and writing beans on my shopping list. (Beans is one of Lucy's nicknames.) All these firsts, which I'm trying to not make such a big deal of, because I can slip into tormenting myself. But sometimes they rear up on their own. Notice me, they demand. Feel me.

Mostly I'm hanging in there. Taking care of myself. Taking care of Silas. Somewhat taking care of business. Not pushing it. I've given myself permission to let my feelings be, without judgement. Even letting moments of inner peace and joy have their time onstage guilt-free.

On a positive note: Silas is now with me permanently. No more shared custody. I have full custody of Silas, and God has full custody of Lucy and Elliott. (Until I join them in the spirit world.) It's a new chapter in my life, one I would gladly exchange for one that still had Lucy written all over it. Never before have I sensed the transience of everything. It's just for now, I tell myself. This separation. This missing-ness. This everything I can and cannot name.

So. Today. A blazing hot Sunday afternoon. Silas has a Montana hangover and is flat on his couch with a fan blowing on him. My evening includes banana pudding, Mad Men and an abundance of gratitude.

Day by day, whether we like it or not, we're forging a new normal, because that's how life goes on. With the custody decision, something has shifted and settled. It's Silas and me. Relieved and grateful. Tentatively excited to gently explore and discover what's next.

Sacred Life Sunday: Freedom

Flashback 5 years ago. July 4, 2005. One of the most pivotal days of my life. I don't remember anything about it, other than I drank more wine than usual because isn't that what you do on holidays? I remember I was at home in Snohomish with my then-husband and our dogs. Probably there were sparklers. That's all I can be sure of, except this: 5 years ago today I had my best drunk ever.

Because the next day, July 5, 2005, scared out of my mind and desperate, I walked into a women's meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous looking for a way out of the hell I was in. I didn't want to stop drinking altogether -- I couldn't fathom life without alcohol -- I just wanted to stop drinking so much.

And I did stop drinking so much, for a little while. I returned to AA 2+ months later and eventually stopped drinking altogether October 8, 2005.

Little did I know what real freedom felt like. Today I do. And it's so much more than not-drinking.

I know emotional freedom. Spiritual freedom. Freedom to choose what I do with my time and energy. Mental freedom. Freedom from the bondage of self. These are the real treasures. The motherlode.

One year ago today, my godsister Samantha got married. While I'm not pro-marriage by any stretch of the imagination, I was and still am gobsmacked with delight for Sam. Her husband Chazz is a terrific guy. His family embraced Sam wholeheartedly and lavished her with love and inclusion. It's what she's wanted her whole life.

By contrast, one year ago today I was nursing a growing suspicion that the relationship I was in needed to end. My then-girlfriend and I were incompatible in many important ways and I was beginning to wither and grow dim again. Since my divorce 3 years ago, I have positively reveled in my freedom to do what I want, when I want, with whom I want. I needed my personal / psychological / logistical freedom back. I took it.

Yes, I am infinitely grateful to live in a country and an era graced with many practical freedoms. But real freedom? That's an inside job.

Flash forward to today. This 4th of July I am spending with new friends in my new life. I won't drink too much tonight, because I won't take that first drink. I can 100% guarantee I won't do anything tonight I'll be ashamed of later, or wake up tomorrow feeling like utter hungover shit.

I will light sparklers. I will want to remember tonight.

(Photo Sparkler by lydiafairy.)

Sacred Life Sunday

  

God speaks to each of us as he makes us;
then walks with us silently out of the night.
These are the words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.
Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.
Let everything happen to you:
beauty and terror.
Just keep going,
no feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.

Ranier Maria Rilke

Sacred Life Sunday: Heeding the Call

 
Prayer is a major part of my daily spiritual practice, and I've gotten to the point where my first thought upon waking automatically is "Hi God!" Except when the Dobies wake me up too early, then it's more like "Goddammit." But the Dobies are with their Dad right now (we share custody), so this Sunday morning I lounged and luxuriated in bed, saying my prayers and asking for guidance.

You know how sometimes a song randomly pops into your brain and you're certain it's some kind of sign or theme you'd be wise to heed? Laying in bed this morning  I heard Peter Frampton's lyrics, Oh won't you show me the way... Quite apropos!

Life continues to be a long strange trip of faith-building for me. Confusion abounds; recently I've made difficult but necessary choices; and unanswered questions fly through my brain morning, noon and night. I'm diligent about asking for guidance and fairly vigilant, I think, when it comes to paying attention.

So this morning I asked for the umpteenth time, "What am I supposed to do next?"

Got up. Put on bathrobe. Bathroom. Then the computer to check Facebook. The very first words I read were a comment on my status yesterday. My friend Stephanie wrote, "Write a book. I'm serious. I'd read it."

To which I burst out laughing! Could the answer be any clearer? And how perfectly aligned with this month's Full Moon message: It's time to claim your true gifts, whatever it takes. That might mean turning yourself inside out, to heal from psychic-emotional wounds that prevent you from stepping into creative power.

How this will help my income I don't know, but I guess at this point that isn't my business. My business is to do the work I'm clearly being called to do. As my friend Tom says, "God pays for what God orders." So you know what? I'm going to do it. I am going to carve out time every week to write. It's been a long time coming -- years of writer's retreats and blogging and procrastinating and encouragement from friends and family.

What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that it doesn't matter what I think or feel or fear. I asked for an answer and it could not have come any more quickly or clearly! I'm fairly sure I know what the book is going to be about -- Women at Rest -- but I'm also open. And that is the best way for me to be.

Sacred Life Sunday: Workerbee Gratitude

I could say it every Sunday: I love and adore the kids who work for me. They are good human beings -- smart, responsible, aware, awake, funny, conscientious, compassionate and kind. Next week is Sami's last shift before heading off to college. I am excited for her and am going to miss her like crazy! Colleen left for college a couple weeks ago. It's always hard when one of them flies the coop. Can't imagine the letting go process of a parent.

On the other hand, I get to welcome two new workerbees to the zena moon fold! Meet Shelby (far right) and Abby seated just to her left. Max is now a senior in high school so we've got him at least one more year. Which Silas the Dobie is also ecstatic about. :)

Sacred Life Sunday: Family

 

Today my Dad celebrates 35 years sobriety! At both 25 and 30 years we threw big parties for him loaded with friends and good-natured roasts, but this year he wanted to mark the occasion with a quiet family lunch. My brother and his girlfriend Monique drove over from Montana. We had a fantastic time!

Family now includes my girlfriend Heidi. She is my heartsong. If you've seen Happy Feet (Heidi's favorite movie) you know what that means. If you haven't seen it, do!