zena musings

Stop worrying about big, deep things

Recently I read a well-respected life coach say she doesn't even try to work until/unless she's vibrant.

This sort of statement pisses the hell outta me. Not only can I not relate, it spins the dangerous myth that "life purpose" work is supposed to be orgasmic. Or we're supposed to be orgasmic and ONLY orgasmic while we work. And when I don't feel that way, I'm doing it wrong, faulty, less-than, law-of-attractionally frigid, etc. Danger zone, whoop! whoop! whoop!

Her message was that self-care is monumentally important. Yes. It is. I not only agree 100%, I rank self-care my #1 priority. Yet I -- and millions of other women trying to earn a living whether it's via our own company or not -- don't have the luxury of making vibrancy a prerequisite to work. I am single. I am a homeowner. I am not rolling in excess money. I live simply and frugally (other than my mortgage I am debt-free) but I still have expenses.

I need to work.

If I waited until I felt vibrant, I probably would've clocked 60 work hours in the last 3 years. If I waited until I felt better to exercise, socialize, work -- to LIVE -- I'd probably rarely get out of bed. I can't think my way into feeling better, I take the right action (exercise, socialize, work, live) then I feel better.

Life is good, and sometimes life is hard.

Sometimes you've gotta suit up and show up and simply do your best.

Sometimes you have to lower your standards.

Sometimes the "sometimes" feels infuriatingly less than temporary.

So what? Doing your best doesn't mean doing it by some impossible to attain standard. It means doing what's enough. (My friend Jennifer Louden is exploring enough-ness over at ComfortQueen.com. Really great stuff!)

Back in '98 or '99, I watched an Oprah episode where a woman who had started her own business dreamily asserted that now, every day felt like Christmas morning. I sat up straight, pointed at the TV and exclaimed, "Yes! That's what I want!" As I've written before, I know now this woman either:

a.) Had been in business less than 5 years, or
b.) Wasn't telling the truth

Today was a rough day at zena moon. I have an expensive new wax melter I am unhappy with. The situation will be worked out, but I'm tired and frustrated. I want someone else to handle it. But it's part of my job. I have to do what's required, whether I'm vibrant and "on" and fabulous, or whether I'm weepy and angry and dim.

This morning I unearthed a treasure trove of new (to me) quotes. Here's the one that grabbed me by the hand, twirled me around and gave me a great big kiss on the lips:

Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder, wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, gasping, confusing, grumbling, humbling, stumbling, rumbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, boning...searching, perching, besmirching, grinding grinding grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just DO...Try and tickle something inside you, your "weird humor." You belong in the most secret part of you. Don't worry about cool, make your own uncool...If you fear, make it work for you--draw and paint your fear and anxiety. And stop worrying about big, deep things such as "to decide on a purpose and way of life..." You must practice being stupid, dumb, unthinking, empty. Then you will be able to DO! I have much confidence in you and even though you are tormenting yourself, the work you do is very good. Try to do some BAD work. The worst you can think of and see what happens but mainly relax and let everything go to hell.

~Letter from sculptor Sol Lewitt to friend and artist Eva Hesse

I've waited my whole life for this year!

My birthday falls on 10.10.10.

I cannot tell you how excited I am. It's as good as the year I turned 10 on 10.10, which was also exciting! Wildly, that very same year, my brother turned 7 on 7.7.

So, recently I started noticing other milestones happening in 2010 that add up to 10 or 20, or are in increments of 5. This year:

• zena moon turns 10
• Elliott was born 20 years ago
• Lucy turns 10 in '10 (also cool – next year she turns 11 on June 11 in '11!)
• Silas turns 6 on the 14th of July and 6 + 14 = 20
• Silas was adopted 5 years ago
• My house turns 100 years old
• In October (God willing) I'll celebrate 5 years sobriety
• Alcoholics Anonymous turns 75

Since last year I've known 2010 would be a powerful year for me. Most important is a renewed commitment to self-care. Speaking my truth, loving myself via action (exercise, Weight Watchers, personal and spiritual growth, etc.), enJOYing my life, writing, and focusing on what I have to offer to the world. I'll finish my book Women at Rest this year, and I'm happily working on a new website offering my editing, proofreading and creative coaching services (coming very soon!).

If anyone knows about numerology, I'd love hear what any or all of this means!

Listening

Usually I do this on my birthday, but since I didn't on my last one it felt natural and right to pull cards today and let the Universe set the stage for 2009. Here's what I got  -- all feel completely right on, simple and loving. The perfect trifecta for God's voice.

1. LISTENING. Listen to your Wise Self. Let your inner compass direct the course of your life. (Cheryl Richardson's Self-Care Cards)

2. THE EMPRESS. Sensuality, Fertility. The Empress represents the future fullness of possibilities. Fertile, lush and delightful, your future will be closer to nature. Despite this being such an enjoyable time, you will find that you may need to seek solitude from time to period. Self-fulfillment is fast approaching. (The Oracle Tarot)

3. PORCUPINE. From my porcupine totem candle: innocence ~ trust ~ wonder ~ imagination ~ discovery ~ playfulness of spirit.

4. REPOSE. n. The act of resting or the state of being at rest. Freedom from worry; peace of mind. Calmness; tranquility. (Angel Blessings by Sophia's Gifts of the Spirit)

Happy New Year, everyone!

P.S. Holy smokes, I didn't realize until after I published this post and looked at my updated blog that my last post was the poem The Winter of Listening by David Whyte, which is exactly where I'm at this winter. And today I pull the LISTENING card as my primary message from Spirit? Evidence of God, right here right now. Yeah baby!

Spokane Likes Candles

Yesterday was my first Open Studio Party since moving to Spokane 19+ months ago, and it was a huge success! Here are a few photos...

1.) My candles all dressed up in their party clothes.

2.) Me, just before the clock struck noon and the first folks arrived to shop.

3.) Someone else snapped this photo of Max the Adorable One looking decidedly shifty.

4.) Sami, Shelby (workerbee-in-training) and Colleen.

Thanks to ALL of my family, friends and customers who support me and zena moon. Extra special thanks to my workerbees. I couldn't do any of this without all of you!

Cavorting With Goddesses

This is my accidental Anne Lamott impression. If you're curious why I'm wearing capris on my head, click here for the full story. In a nutshell, I'm getting ready for my trip to the Oregon coast and bought myself some new clothes. My new bachelorette lifestyle requires cuter outfits than the usual baggy sweats! I'm psyched to visit two of my favorite women on the planet: Sister Kathryn and Lisa Evans. I also have a hot Match.com date in Portland I'm super excited about! So much richness to enjoy, and I keep hearing the phrase Cavorting With Goddesses in relation to this journey.

Towards the tail end of hellish 2007 I knew that "ease and enjoyment" would be my motto for 2008. Like everything, it's part Universe, part the result of my choices. So far so good. :)

This Is My Brain *NOT* On Drugs

Every once in a while I merrily think I've completed an order only to discover I overlooked page two of the order form. D'oh! This happened today. A good-sized wholesale order I thought was ready to ship, only to discover I entirely missed the second page of candles. What's more, I had three months to prepare this order due to ship tomorrow. Double d'oh! I detest being late in any way, shape or form and I can still ship this order on time if I get up super early tomorrow morning to pour the candles needed to complete it, then hustle buns to pack it up in time for my daily UPS pickup at 2:30.

Then . . . well, then this happened.

Sigh! Sometimes I wonder about my brain. I'd like to blame perimenopause or something, but the simple truth is I haven't been paying close attention to details. These are the consequences. No self-flagellation -- I can just chalk it up to lesson learned and move on with the resolve to pay closer attention.

I also realize I'm not overwhelmed by tomorrow's hustle. Since I rarely operate in Fast Pace mode anymore -- I chose to stop years ago -- I can summon the energy and time more easily.

Have a wonderful night, everyone. I'm going to eat a little dinner then head off to the basketball game. Again. :)

Tuesday Fluff

Today I became the crazy woman who shovels snow in her pajamas and winter coat. The scary thing is I couldn't have cared less what anyone thought! Still, I hope my lifestyle doesn't turn too Grey Gardens.

Tonight I'm unabashedly indulging my superficial self by watching Coyote Ugly and surfing Match.com. Woo hoo! Years ago when I was producing MSN's Dating & Personals channel, I flew to Texas to meet with the bigwigs at Match.com. They were smart and eager to partner with Microsoft. In those days it was pretty heady showing up as Microsoft and it definitely was a blast to travel! I traveled a lot for Microsoft, worked with exciting and famous folks, had tremendous fun and burned out BIGTIME. My honeymoon was combined with a business trip to New York City to produce a live online music show with Luscious Jackson. Bryon and I went to the original Coyote Ugly Saloon which was actually a letdown (no dancers on the bar) except we heard the week before a famous male celebrity got into a fistfight there. We stayed in two swanky hotels: the Soho Grand and the Ritz-Carlton across from Central Park. In those years I stayed at the Soho Grand so often it became a second home. That hotel was featured in another movie (Made) I watched today. Lots of blasts from the past today, but y'know, good memories are really nice. Now I get to make new memories in this new phase of life!

These days not much is happening in my life and I am profoundly grateful. Occasionally I worry about my creative emptiness and lack of motivation, but mostly I accept where I am. I couldn't -- wouldn't -- force myself to be any other way. One reason I chose Spokane is because I can afford to live here comfortably without working my ass off. I couldn't -- wouldn't -- return to a demanding fast-paced lifestyle without sacrificing my health and sanity again. That's not an option. So hurray for rest, simple needs, quiet days and superficiality!

The Wonder of Wednesday

Often I'm grateful when people cancel appointments. This morning I used two unexpected bonus hours to...

• Light an acceptance candle
• Listen to a new CD that came yesterday, Shaman's Vision Journey by David & Steve Gordon -- lovelovelove it -- helping me feel the river of grace Sister Kathryn writes about here
• Reschedule a dentist appointment (what was I thinking scheduling it immediately after a massage?! silly me)
• Call Marla's accountant and setup our first meeting -- big relief to find someone super good and likeable -- even bigger relief to not have my finances intertwined with someone else's anymore
• S    T    R    E    T    C    H
• Wish you a Wednesday filled with connections, acceptance and no matter what your mood, gratitude for the goodness in your life

I Feel a Dare Coming On

This afternoon on my way out to buy packing peanuts, I stopped to play underneath my backyard maple tree. These are busy days at zena moon! Nights, too. It's nearly 9 pm and Kaitlyn's down in the studio, working late. I take good care of my workerbees -- I fixed us bacon, lettuce, tomato and cream cheese sandwiches for dinner with soft ripe pear slices on the side. She's a college student who doesn't get many home-cooked meals so I feed her sometimes. Send leftovers home with her.

I don't always take good care of myself.

Last night I broke a promise by reading a blog I've sworn off many times because it irritates the living hell out of me. Without going into details, I cannot stomach façades, and it baffles and frustrates me that I sometimes 100% consciously choose to fly into this flame knowing I'm going to get riled up. There are a handful of sites I need to stop reading, forever, period. One friend suggested blocking the URLs from my browser and I think that's what I'll have to do. Self-control has never been my strong suit, even when I know the outcome is gonna feel bad!

On the flipside, I just discovered Frida's Notebook and her Portraits of Afghanistan photoblog. I'm hooked, having nearly finished reading (and soooooooo loving) A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini who also wrote The Kite Runner. Many years ago I had a brief love affair with a Kurd and ever since I've wanted to visit Turkey and Afghanistan. Also on my wish list: Africa, Iceland, Australia, New Zealand, Israel and Nova Scotia.

Also on the flipside of façades, Sister Kathryn and I are gonna swap photos of our real artist selves getting down and dirty at work -- she as mudwoman, me as waxwoman. Then Eileen mentioned her typical artist garb of a baggy paint-splattered housedress and wild bedhead . . . and it got me thinking . . . what if we have a special day where we all post photos of our REAL selves looking like we look doing what we do? No special dressing up or primping allowed! Just splendid women au natural.

I will bet anyone $100 right here and now that no one -- no one -- will look more alarming than me. :)

Chit-Chat, This and That

What a stunning time of year! We are so lucky to be alive on this incredible Earth. Life is a daily gift.

Just started writing a post about preparing for the upcoming holidays and realized I've got more to share than gas in the braintank tonight! I'll save it for later in the week.

I woke up with cramps and wanted nothing more than to loaf on the couch and watch movies all day, but I needed to make it a long workday pouring candles. By the way, if anyone harbors any romantic notions what I'm like working in my studio, let me assure you I am NOT a vision of creative wonder! I do not wear organic cotton pants and cute little tops as I merrily make candles. Candlemaking is messy, hot, heavy, hard, wet and frequently dangerous work. I burn myself at least once a month and stabbed my hand with a knife two weeks ago. My reality is loose, comfy wax-splattered sweats and color-stained old T-shirts that never match. My candlemaking shoes are so encrusted with wax they aren't allowed outside the studio! I usually wait to shower until after I'm finished pouring candles (feels soooo good to scrub clean then), so as unpresentable as I am when I start pouring candles, I look ten times worse by day's end! No glamour here, folks!

I think there are a lot of myths surrounding running a creative-based business, and looking like we've stepped out of the pages of Body + Soul magazine is one of them. At least it's one of mine. If I were participating in the Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You project, I'd probably wind up posting a photo of myself working in the studio. But I'm not so I won't. Ha! :)

Tonight I had three equally enticing invitations to choose from:

1. Lesbian dinner party
2. Get-together at a good friend's house, or
3. Sherman Alexie reading from his new book The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian at Auntie's Bookstore

What to do, what to do? I wound up putting on my jammies, heating up yummy leftovers for dinner and watching an odd movie called No Such Thing. It stars Sarah Polley and Helen Mirren and is set mostly in Iceland -- a winning combination if ever there was one -- but even for someone who loves quirky independent films, this one was strange. Oh well, it entertained me and Sarah Polley's character dresses up à la Helen Mirren in The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover so that was fun!

I've found a wonderful new massage therapist and bought a 360-minute package deal for $300 which works out to $75 per 90-minute massage. Nice! In 17 years in Seattle I never once ran across package deals, but in Spokane both my massage therapist and aesthetician offer them and I love it. Plus their rates are much lower than what I paid in Seattle. Now I can afford the monthly massage my body needs. For so many reasons, I am beyond grateful I moved here.

(Photo by Hichako.)