zena musings

Some people are better left in the past

"For every person who might reject you if you live your
truth, there are ten others who will embrace you and welcome you home."
–Marianne Williamson

Believe it or not, I honestly can't remember if/when I've ever been personally and openly judged by a self-proclaimed conservative Christian. But I was last night, by a childhood friend no less — actually, we were best friends in grades 4-6 — who finally admitted she has a problem with my path to such an extent that she was unfriending me in Facebook. Yes, the ultimate rejection!

What brought this on was a frustrated, mean-spirited comment she left on this blog post, peppered with smiley faces, happy exclamation points and the suggestion that I stop overanalyzing life and become a Christian, meanwhile taking potshots at my spirituality. I deleted her comment, because I treat all my spaces as sacred space, and sent her a short note explaining what I did. That I read her words as unkind and unsupportive. I said I'm glad she found a path that works for her, and that I have too.

She wrote back. I didn't read her response word for word. Didn't have to. Scanning it, I caught more than enough:

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

You're constantly unhappy.

I don't think your path is working for you.

I'm a conservative Christian and I'm not comfortable with your path.

I'm unfriending you.

I'm not entirely sure what part(s) of my path cause her discomfort, but I can guess. Does it matter? Is it personal? Not for me to say. Honestly, I suspect other historical stuff is playing out here. The fact that I unfriended her in the 7th grade (for being too conservative!) and a couple other decades-old resentments she aired — peppered with smiles and laughter — when we reunited in person a couple years ago. Of course I recognized the stinging beneath the smiles, the old hurts never healed, and I apologized. I did what I could to make amends for the harm I caused her. It was sincerely nice seeing her that time, although also a little strange, her drinking and me not. An ironic twist. I suspected there wouldn't be a next time, and I was fine with that. Despite our differences, we stayed connected via Facebook and had many friendly, supportive exchanges over the years.

Here's the part where I say I know all Christians aren't like my old friend. Most of the Christians I know — Lutherans, Catholics, Protestants, whatever — most of the people I know — are amazingly loving, open, accepting and non-judgmental. Nuns and laypeople alike. I think that's why this smarts a little. It's not the who, it's the ewww. I'm not confronted with bigotry very often and it's jarring when I am. It's incomprehensible, archaic and unnecessary. It's ugly.

Do we really all have to look, believe, vote, feel, think, dress, worship and live the same, or similarly enough, for some to be comfortable?

Who knows, maybe she simply doesn't like who I am. I'm fine with that, too. Because I love who I am. Very much.

Bottom line: I'm not going to let someone's discomfort with who I am stymie, inhibit, edit or stop me from practicing the gifts God gave me. Namely, paying attention to my life. Writing about it. Photographing it. Living it. Cultivating a relationship with God, Spirit, the Creator, my private name for my Higher Power, or whatever name I choose to use. Learning to be the best Carla Blazek I can be, the one God intended me to be. Which, whether I like it or not, constantly involves letting go and moving on.

My favorite poet Maya Stein is (literally) in the house, and YOU are invited over

A poet sleeps in my guest room. She is an easy, delightful guest. Taller than I expected. Warm, freckled, smart, comfortable in her body, deep bright eyes that see more than most. You know the old question, who would you most like to have over for dinner? Last night was dream-come-truey in that regard. Two of my favorite writers, and one of my favorite minds (and a burlesque dancer to boot!), and me. My table sparkled with candlelight and conversation, as Maya wrote, real and relaxed and warm and joyous even, all of us engaged and eating together, like we'd been doing that for ages.

Tonight Maya Stein is giving a free writing workshop at my house. If you're in Spokane, whether you're a writer or not, you'd be nuts to miss this opportunity! The event info is on Facebook (please RSVP if you're coming) or email me.

On a not-necessarily-related note, this morning I read something that struck a chord:

"The barrage of demands and the voracious appetite of a culture that seeks to devour, rather than savor its sustenance undermine a quiet patient trust in God’s seasons of growth and harvest." –The Sanctuary Foundation for Prayer

In some ways I'm naturally a savorer, and in other ways I always want — those greedy, insatiable wants — more. Today I'm loosening my grip on the wants. Loosening my grip. Loosening.

Holy Lucy Goodness

Yesterday I received a card enclosing a small gold heart from my friend Carole. Carole and I have known each other since the mid-80s, when an old spiritual tribe found one another at Digital Equipment Corp. We reconnected on Facebook. She is an astrologer and healer. This is what she wrote:

Dear Carla,

As I wrote in my email to you, Lucy asked me to send this to you. The dream experience was very short and very clear.

This heart was hand carved by Stephen Huneck, the creator of  The Dog Chapel in St. Johnsbury, VT. I got it when I went there for Stephen's memorial service. The beautiful dog energy that flows from there knows no boundaries, and dogs in spirit I'm sure hang out there a lot. I believe Stephen is now working at the Rainbow Bridge.

I feel blessed that Lucy came to me this way and asked me to be her messenger. I've charged this Heart with Reiki, and Lucy has filled it with her unending Love. She is so excited! Lots of puppy smiles. She wants you to know that her heart and yours will beat together forever, and she will love you always.

Many, many blessings Carla!

Love, Carole

The heart was wrapped in pink tissue paper. Lucy's favorite color. :) That this arrived on a very difficult day is no coincidence. My gratitude to Carole is inexpressible. It simply brings me to my knees. There is the seen, and there is the unseen. I continue to pray to be open to the unseen.

Sadness, Grace & the Healing Power of Ice Cream Sandwiches

 zm workerbees Max and Abby with Silas

Today's blessings and thoughtfulnesses...

A 2-hour backyard picnic prepared entirely by Abby, dedicated to Lucy. On the menu: pasta salad, turkey sandwiches, sun tea and homemade ice cream sandwiches. Lucy would approve. At one point I realized I had actually forgotten I was grieving for about 5 minutes. That is Grace.

A morning visit from Dad.

Sharing about Lucy at my noon AA meeting. Most important, how I'm certain the prayers, love and support I'm receiving from people like you are the only reason I'm not a complete wreck, even experiencing fleeting moments of peace and acceptance. So many people have connected with Lucy and are loving her, Silas and me. Blows me away. There is a Power greater than me at work here, and every single one of you has a part in it. Thank God for Facebook, AA, friends and family. Thank God for you.

A phone call from my young friend Danielle inviting me for a swim at Liberty Lake. I couldn't go, but I was deeply touched by the invitation.

Picking up my Valley Girl Triathlon race packet and having Martina lob the brilliant idea for Lucy T-shirts! Motto: Live. Love. Lucy. Now I just need someone to design them.

So, all things considered, a fairly OK day. Lots of lovey time with Silas. Mornings and evenings are the hardest for us both. Sometimes it already feels like I haven't seen Lucy in months. :( But I feel her presence, hear her "voice" (she has always had a LOT to say :)) and am really looking forward to Tuesday's session with Polly.

Not exactly enthused for Sunday's triathlon, but I've put in the training and know I'll feel differently once I'm milling around with 500 women on the beach. Sometimes no matter what you feel, you've gotta just suit up and show up.

Besides, I'm doing it for Lucy -- who loved to swim, loved to run and loved to bark madly at bicyclists. She would most definitely approve.

Love, Loss & Evidence of God

 Lucy and my brother Bob in Montana, Summer 2008 

I am lost. I can tell Silas is too. There's no one for him to howl with or kick his butt wrestling, or watch over the yard for. Life is too quiet without Lucy's squeaking, barking, howling and general insistent cuteness. I want her back. She was here 3 days ago at this time, perfectly fine. What the fuck?!?

God, I don't understand anything.

Silas and I have been bombarded with love and support. I've decided to keep track for my own consolation. Yesterday alone we had:

• A card slipped under my front door from Ron, Mary Ellen & their 20 paws (5 dogs)
• A morning visit from Tonya bearing freshly baked warm banana bread (Silas loves baked goods too)
• A morning visit from my Mama
• An afternoon visit from Cary, with pink potted flowers, a card and a squeaky toy for Silas that says BITE ME
• An offer from Abby to bring lunch on Friday, and invite others, and dedicate the lunch to Lucy
• Dozens more comments, posts and emails offering support, sympathy, understanding and love
• A super fun playtime with Max for Silas, which definitely helped lighten both their hearts
• An afternoon visit from Tonya bearing homemade vegetable beef soup
• The first sign from Lucy/God via my Mom! After Lucy's ashes were delivered to her -- because I'm not ready to have Lucy in that form yet -- my Mom went back down to finish making yogurt and there was a black Lucy hair floating on top of the milk! If that'd happened at my house it'd be a typical day, but Lucy's never stepped foot/paw inside my parents' new house and my Mom had clean clothes on. A definite sign.
• So much LOVE, support and hugs from women at my Wednesday night AA meeting
• A rose quartz crystal -- which symbolizes love -- anonymously left on my front rockery
• An evening with Sami, who filled my water glass and brought me plates of fruit with whip cream and wrote both a letter to Lucy and a Philosophy paper about Lucy (with her permission I'll post them both)

I have never experienced more love, connection and support than I am right now. I can't even tell you how much it means to me. How much it helps.

I'm not functional and I suppose it's good I don't expect myself to be. The most I can do is the bare minimum at work which today is going to be packing up one candle order then emailing wholesale customers that their orders will hopefully ship next week. I can't do more than that. I've decided to go for a swim at noon, and Sami's coming over to sit with Silas while I'm gone. I don't want him to be alone.

This afternoon I'm going to start a new routine to replace his old routine with Lucy. I HATE THAT I HAVE TO BE DOING THIS. I just want her back! But in addition to the usual off-leash playtime I'm going to start taking him for a walk every afternoon, during the time the two of them would normally roughhouse.

Writing helps. Being with people helps. But I can't avoid feeling this immense grief and loss, which comes and goes in waves when I stop writing, when the people leave.

The last 7 years have not been easy. I thought 2010 would be a banner year, and the first half was genuinely good. Yet once again life feels like a neverending series of loss and grief punctuated by brief intervals of happiness. I've sent a Vacation Request in to God, that I don't have to come back and do this Earth Dance again. It's too hard for someone like me. Like Tonya and I were saying this morning, some of us were born missing key pieces to the coping puzzle.

Meanwhile I shower Silas with love, friends, play and affection. Wander around. Breathe. Cry. Shower. Pray. Sleep. Be held. It's all I can do.

Oh heart, if one should say to you that the soul perishes like the body
answer that the flower withers, but the seed remains.
Kahlil Gibran

A Society of Possible Gods and Goddesses

It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no "ordinary" people. You have never talked to a mere mortal.

C.S. Lewis

Tense? Unruly eyebrows? Have I got a deal for you!

As she held my foot and applied warm sea salt scrub onto my skin, I literally gasped it felt so good. "Orgasmic," I sighed. Ninety minutes later, I left her cozy room cleansed, massaged, steamed, extracted, exfoliated, toned, moisturized and super relaxed. Facials are one of the best things in life.

And tomorrow, Friday November 30th, my wonderful aesthetician Priscilla is holding an open house with tons of giveaways including:

• Free eyebrow waxing all day
• Free 5-minute chair massage by a new massage therapist
• Free gift for the first 100 folks through the door
• Plus drawings galore for free services and products

No appointments necessary, just stop by any time between 8 am - 8 pm. I'm going, so are my Mom and my workerbee Kaitlyn!

Pampered By Priscilla
2524 E 29th Ave
Spokane, WA 99223
(509) 218 1508

Located inside the South Hill Sun Shop, a couple doors down from Great Harvest.