zena musings

21 truths on my heart

I'm single because I was born that way.
— Mae West

Nearly two weeks after Valentine's Day, these truths are bursting outta my heart this morning.

1. My top priority is my relationship is with myself and my Higher Power.
2. #1 requires a tremendous amount of time + attention via nurturing, listening, action and devotion.
3. I love being single. It's when I thrive and blossom and contribute my best to the world.
4. #3 is not the social norm. It's not the Libra norm. Unless you're a priest or a monk or a BYU basketball player, it's not supposed to be anyone's norm. I struggle with this. But #3 has been true all my life, so I get to trust that God knows what S/He's doing with me better than I do.
5. Love is EVERYWHERE.
6. I've been in many relationships (more than 70, less than 100) ranging from one night to 13 years.
7. Had I known a good massage therapist in my 20's, those numbers would be significantly lower.
8. Can I say I'm grateful for them all? Yes. Each person was important in his or her way.
9. As a kid, the women I wanted to grow up and be like were always independent and unconventional. Cher. Rhoda. The bohemian chick played by Melanie Mayron on thirtysomething.
10. As an adult, the women I identify with and want to be like are always independent and unconventional. Also creative, wise, spiritual, kind, active and really alive in whatever way(s) they're called to be.
11. I absolutely revel in diversity. I'd wither and die if my circle of friends wasn't rife with different ages, classes, colors, beliefs, experiences and backgrounds.
12. Since my divorce in 2007, I've dated four women. No men. I've discovered a lot about myself; some amazing, some alarming.
13. Quite possibly the most pressing truth I've discovered is that at this time in my life I have no business getting involved in romantic relationships. In practical terms they keep getting in the way of what I want to do and experience.
14. Even the most casual romantic relationship requires more time and attention than I have to offer.
15. You won't see me flipping cartwheels over #13 and #14, but they've proven true time and again. Whether I accept the truth doesn't change the truth, so today I'm practicing acceptance. "The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it," wrote Flannery O'Connor. Indeed.
16. I accept what-is and I'm open to change.
17. I'm on fire and in love -- and I mean wholeheartedly, unabashedly, full-soul-force wild passionate LOVE -- with photography! That is what I'm meant to be doing with my time. Following those breadcrumbs is where my energy is called to go.
18. I am a fantastic doggie mama. I'd have given birth if I could birth puppies. I love my dogs with every fiber of my being.
19. Certainly hasn't always been the case, but today I'm a good daughter and a good sister. I love and value my parents and brother with all my heart, and I hope both my behavior and attitude convey that.
20. I want to be a better friend. I'm blessed to attract and know a fantastic array of kick-ass people, and I'm an introvert still learning to live outside my comfort zone.
21. I tell myself I have a hard time hurting someone's feelings who's interested in me, but wise ones assure me that the state of others' feelings isn't within Carla Blazek's superpowers. Their story and their feelings are their responsibility. People-pleasing harms everyone, including me. An old therapist once said, "If you don't tell the truth, the right thing can't happen." This, by the way, is the quote on zena moon's speak my truth candle. I should light one later.

Thanks for listening. The main reason I decided to share publicly is to help anyone else who might be feeling similarly not feel alone. That's so important -- not feeling alone. I fully realize I've just put the kibosh on any future dating possibilities and that now would be a lovely time to enter a convent. That's OK. Today I've got my dog, my camera and a good massage therapist.

Friday's Truth

To those working for the rights and health of the underdog, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm so grateful there are people like you who can do this. I don't pretend to know what's best for anyone individually or collectively, but when I pay attention -- intentionally or not -- to what happens in this world and how people, governments and corporations do harm, it's easy to feel despair.

Like many creatives, I wasn't born with emotional insulation, and despite being stronger and more stable than ever, sometimes my coping mechanisms are still pretty fragile. I'm extremely sensitive and simply not wired to handle shitty people, shitty behavior or shitty energy.

You will never engage me in a conversation about politics or religion. Even if we're in agreement.

If you are a local news reporter, weatherman or anchor, I have no idea who you are.

You won't find me in organized activist circles. Yet if we ever live in a time when it's necessary, you can bet my house will be part of an "underground railroad."

If you enjoy talking about government and social problems, I will do everything in my power to avoid you.

Sometimes I admonish myself, "I should pay attention to this. I should march in that. I should, I should, I should." But honestly? Every bit as harmful (to me) as cutting myself with a sharp knife. My default setting is Care Too Much.

I lived in a state of despair for a long time, and it's only in the last couple years that I've made my way to the light again. Not surprisingly I'm mama-bear fiercely protective of my peace of mind. For me, serenity isn't something nice to have, it's a matter of life or death.

So, to the bad news I heard and the awful photo I saw earlier . . . goddammit, you break my heart. And unfortunately there's nothing I can do about you. I have to turn you over to God. I have to do my best to make a difference where I can in my own life today. To smile at strangers. To extend my hand to the newcomer at the noon AA meeting. To enjoy -- ENJOY -- this day of my life as best I can.

The Real Woman Creed by Jan Phillips

I believe that within me lies an extraordinary radiance, and I commit to letting my light loose in the world.

I believe that the source of my power and wisdom is in the center of my being, and I commit to acting from this place of strength.

I believe that I possess an abundance of passion and creative potential and I commit to the expression of these gifts.

I believe that the time has come to let go of old notions and unhealthy attitudes, and I commit to re-examine what I have been told about beauty and dismiss what insults my soul.

I believe that negative thoughts and words compromise my well-being, and I commit to thinking and speaking positively about myself and others.

I believe that young women are in need of positive role models, and I commit to being an example of authenticity and self-love.

I believe in the relationship between my well-being and the well-being of the planet, and I commit to a life of mindfulness that regards all living things as holy and worthy of my love.

I believe it is my spiritual responsibility to care for my body with respect, kindness and compassion, I commit to balancing my life in such a way that my physical being is fully expressed and nurtured.

I believe that joy is an essential part of wellness, and I commit to removing obstacles to joy and creating a life that is full of exuberance.

I believe that a woman who loves herself is a powerful, passionate, attractive force, and I commit, from this day forward, to loving myself deeply and extravagantly.

(Words by Jan Phillips. Self-portrait by my beautiful friend Julie. Special thanks to my friend Mary.)

Some people are better left in the past

"For every person who might reject you if you live your
truth, there are ten others who will embrace you and welcome you home."
–Marianne Williamson

Believe it or not, I honestly can't remember if/when I've ever been personally and openly judged by a self-proclaimed conservative Christian. But I was last night, by a childhood friend no less — actually, we were best friends in grades 4-6 — who finally admitted she has a problem with my path to such an extent that she was unfriending me in Facebook. Yes, the ultimate rejection!

What brought this on was a frustrated, mean-spirited comment she left on this blog post, peppered with smiley faces, happy exclamation points and the suggestion that I stop overanalyzing life and become a Christian, meanwhile taking potshots at my spirituality. I deleted her comment, because I treat all my spaces as sacred space, and sent her a short note explaining what I did. That I read her words as unkind and unsupportive. I said I'm glad she found a path that works for her, and that I have too.

She wrote back. I didn't read her response word for word. Didn't have to. Scanning it, I caught more than enough:

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

You're constantly unhappy.

I don't think your path is working for you.

I'm a conservative Christian and I'm not comfortable with your path.

I'm unfriending you.

I'm not entirely sure what part(s) of my path cause her discomfort, but I can guess. Does it matter? Is it personal? Not for me to say. Honestly, I suspect other historical stuff is playing out here. The fact that I unfriended her in the 7th grade (for being too conservative!) and a couple other decades-old resentments she aired — peppered with smiles and laughter — when we reunited in person a couple years ago. Of course I recognized the stinging beneath the smiles, the old hurts never healed, and I apologized. I did what I could to make amends for the harm I caused her. It was sincerely nice seeing her that time, although also a little strange, her drinking and me not. An ironic twist. I suspected there wouldn't be a next time, and I was fine with that. Despite our differences, we stayed connected via Facebook and had many friendly, supportive exchanges over the years.

Here's the part where I say I know all Christians aren't like my old friend. Most of the Christians I know — Lutherans, Catholics, Protestants, whatever — most of the people I know — are amazingly loving, open, accepting and non-judgmental. Nuns and laypeople alike. I think that's why this smarts a little. It's not the who, it's the ewww. I'm not confronted with bigotry very often and it's jarring when I am. It's incomprehensible, archaic and unnecessary. It's ugly.

Do we really all have to look, believe, vote, feel, think, dress, worship and live the same, or similarly enough, for some to be comfortable?

Who knows, maybe she simply doesn't like who I am. I'm fine with that, too. Because I love who I am. Very much.

Bottom line: I'm not going to let someone's discomfort with who I am stymie, inhibit, edit or stop me from practicing the gifts God gave me. Namely, paying attention to my life. Writing about it. Photographing it. Living it. Cultivating a relationship with God, Spirit, the Creator, my private name for my Higher Power, or whatever name I choose to use. Learning to be the best Carla Blazek I can be, the one God intended me to be. Which, whether I like it or not, constantly involves letting go and moving on.

Trust Takes Practice

"Your soul knows the geography of your destiny. Your soul alone has the map of your future, therefore you can trust this indirect, oblique side of yourself. If you do, it will take you where you need to go, but more important it will teach you a kindness of rhythm in your journey."

–John O'Donohue

(Photo by rosemary*.)

Truth-Telling and Bloodletting

This morning, a one-two punch.

First, hearing news that "should" be positive, simply left me sad. News that shouldn't surprise me, nor sadden me, but it did and I don't have to figure out why. Years ago I learned to simply let my feelings be what they are. Feelings don't want my clever analysis, justification or intellectual acrobatics. They simply want the soft warmth of my lap. To be allowed. To hear the words, It's OK. I understand.

Second, inadvertently winding up on the skirts of the hate group WBC's protests and counter-protests at Gonzaga and Ferris. Several friends are counter-protesting around the area, and I applaud them. I know myself well enough to know I'm not emotionally or energetically equipped to attend counter-protests, be involved in political movements, or do much in the way of activism other than live my life openly and honestly.

Already a bit shaky, I read their hateful signs, literally using the word HATE, bringing tears to my eyes. I am bewildered. I don't understand hate. I'm proud of the people in Spokane's community who counter-protested with beautiful signs, kindness, music and peacefulness. I belly-laughed when I heard them play "You've Got to Change Your Evil Ways." I honked and waved supportively at them, the best I could do.

I knew I needed a drink from the well, so I went to an AA meeting. Relief. As always, I got what I needed and heard what I needed to hear.

Here's what I know:

This life is mine. Ultimately, it's the only thing that is.

What happens in anybody else's life is none of my business.

Others come and go. Vows or blood, nothing and no one is permanent.

Letting go is a process.

What's right for you isn't necessarily right for me, and vice versa.

Self-worth comes from within.

I want to paint my bedroom.

Some days are sadness, some days are joyful. Some days are both!

I wasn't born with much emotional insulation. I tire easily. I need plenty of mental and physical rest. This means saying no to some things I'd rather say yes to.

I am doing my best to love what is and to focus on what's ahead of me. What I love today: Garden carrots and Concord grapes from Mom. My recovery peeps. New fleece sheets. Love in the streets. Big candle orders. T minus 48 hours 'til the Gonzaga women's basketball pre-season scrimmage! Leftovers. Silas. Acceptance.

You are exactly where you're supposed to be (I am too)

 
This place where you are right now
God circled on a map for you.
Wherever your eyes and arms and heart can move
Against the earth and sky,
The Beloved has bowed there—
Our Beloved has bowed there knowing
You were coming.

–Hafiz