This morning, a one-two punch.
First, hearing news that "should" be positive, simply left me sad. News that shouldn't surprise me, nor sadden me, but it did and I don't have to figure out why. Years ago I learned to simply let my feelings be what they are. Feelings don't want my clever analysis, justification or intellectual acrobatics. They simply want the soft warmth of my lap. To be allowed. To hear the words, It's OK. I understand.
Second, inadvertently winding up on the skirts of the hate group WBC's protests and counter-protests at Gonzaga and Ferris. Several friends are counter-protesting around the area, and I applaud them. I know myself well enough to know I'm not emotionally or energetically equipped to attend counter-protests, be involved in political movements, or do much in the way of activism other than live my life openly and honestly.
Already a bit shaky, I read their hateful signs, literally using the word HATE, bringing tears to my eyes. I am bewildered. I don't understand hate. I'm proud of the people in Spokane's community who counter-protested with beautiful signs, kindness, music and peacefulness. I belly-laughed when I heard them play "You've Got to Change Your Evil Ways." I honked and waved supportively at them, the best I could do.
I knew I needed a drink from the well, so I went to an AA meeting. Relief. As always, I got what I needed and heard what I needed to hear.
Here's what I know:
This life is mine. Ultimately, it's the only thing that is.
What happens in anybody else's life is none of my business.
Others come and go. Vows or blood, nothing and no one is permanent.
Letting go is a process.
What's right for you isn't necessarily right for me, and vice versa.
Self-worth comes from within.
I want to paint my bedroom.
Some days are sadness, some days are joyful. Some days are both!
I wasn't born with much emotional insulation. I tire easily. I need plenty of mental and physical rest. This means saying no to some things I'd rather say yes to.
I am doing my best to love what is and to focus on what's ahead of me. What I love today: Garden carrots and Concord grapes from Mom. My recovery peeps. New fleece sheets. Love in the streets. Big candle orders. T minus 48 hours 'til the Gonzaga women's basketball pre-season scrimmage! Leftovers. Silas. Acceptance.