zm workerbees Max and Abby with Silas
Today's blessings and thoughtfulnesses...
A 2-hour backyard picnic prepared entirely by Abby, dedicated to Lucy. On the menu: pasta salad, turkey sandwiches, sun tea and homemade ice cream sandwiches. Lucy would approve. At one point I realized I had actually forgotten I was grieving for about 5 minutes. That is Grace.
A morning visit from Dad.
Sharing about Lucy at my noon AA meeting. Most important, how I'm certain the prayers, love and support I'm receiving from people like you are the only reason I'm not a complete wreck, even experiencing fleeting moments of peace and acceptance. So many people have connected with Lucy and are loving her, Silas and me. Blows me away. There is a Power greater than me at work here, and every single one of you has a part in it. Thank God for Facebook, AA, friends and family. Thank God for you.
A phone call from my young friend Danielle inviting me for a swim at Liberty Lake. I couldn't go, but I was deeply touched by the invitation.
Picking up my Valley Girl Triathlon race packet and having Martina lob the brilliant idea for Lucy T-shirts! Motto: Live. Love. Lucy. Now I just need someone to design them.
So, all things considered, a fairly OK day. Lots of lovey time with Silas. Mornings and evenings are the hardest for us both. Sometimes it already feels like I haven't seen Lucy in months. :( But I feel her presence, hear her "voice" (she has always had a LOT to say :)) and am really looking forward to Tuesday's session with Polly.
Not exactly enthused for Sunday's triathlon, but I've put in the training and know I'll feel differently once I'm milling around with 500 women on the beach. Sometimes no matter what you feel, you've gotta just suit up and show up.
Besides, I'm doing it for Lucy -- who loved to swim, loved to run and loved to bark madly at bicyclists. She would most definitely approve.
Absolutely, Carla! Continuing to send my love to you both (you and Silas)...really glad you're competing tomorrow and that you're going to have your session on Tuesday.
This is just an aside, but I wanted to share it with you. Everyone does such different and unique things to grieve. When my dog Winston (a Yorkie-Poo) died 14 years ago, it was (and remains) the hardest loss I've ever had. I had prayed for years that Winston would have a "good death" (little to no suffering) because I knew I could never bear it. I would rather die myself to spare that little dog. He did indeed have a good death and I was grateful.
Anyway, one thing I was compelled to do afterwards was to make a list of the affection names and phrases I regularly called him. I listed every variation, compulsively, like Winnie, Winnie the Pooh, Pooh-Bear, Bear-of-My-Heart, etc. There were a thousand. Really, a thousand. That list migrates to every computer I have and of course I have hard copies. It was eccentric, but I needed to do it, and it brought me great comfort.
I was showing the list to my husband when I finished, and a bougainvillea leaf fell on it and I KNEW it was from Winston. That makes no sense at all, but it happened and was real. I know that you know what I mean.
And now for years I've dreamed of him often. There are many other stories of how he has affected me after his death. It is so personal that it is almost impossible to put into words. Back then there weren't blogs or other venues for me to share my stories and heal. It took me about 10 years to be able to do so without crying (although I still do tear up, like now).
That's why I'm especially glad that you can share your stories of Lucy and of grieving here online and we can all bear witness.
Much love, O
Posted by: Olivia Brown | Friday, July 09, 2010 at 10:52 PM