Struggle, silence, sloth, inertia, fear of misstep. Recovering and healing from last year's missteps. Are you there, God? It's me, Carla.
I'm writing this for myself, because yet again it's morning. Yet again there's a giant question mark hanging over my head.
For quite some time I've been praying and looking for guidance what to do next. By quite some time I mean well over a year. Something needs to change. Like many small businesses struggling to stay afloat in this economy, zena moon has slowed to the point where it no longer supports me. After 10 years I'm plum out of marketing and creative steam. And last autumn's week-long stint working on a movie at NXNW proved beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm jazzed for a fresh work environment. Part-time. Flexible hours. With people.
Part-time because I want to continue running zena moon. I'm not ready to sell my business yet. Plus I know myself well enough to know I can't/won't do what it takes to work a full-time job, unless that job and the work environment are something really special.
So far, no strong hints or clues. No I-really-want-to's. This is a very new place for me to be. It's uncomfortable and scary. I've been paying rapt attention on a daily basis, and frankly I'm tired and frustrated at God's lack of direction. I'm tired of asking, tired of listening. On bleaker days I question whether God's done with me. Whether I have anything more to offer. Whether I'm even employable! Some ideas I'm considering and have looked into:
- Start an errand service
- Do proofreading work
- Find a part-time or temporary job
- Go to school to learn something new, but what? Web design? Software development? Massage?
- Join IATSE and work on theatre/movie crews
Last week I met with a counselor at Spokane Community College and left overwhelmed with information and choices. I didn't attend college and have never taken a single college class, so academia is an unknown world for me. I don't know what, if anything, I should pursue there.
I am so very tired of not knowing. Probably even more tired of not doing.
So, next week I'm taking a test to work temporarily on the 2010 Census. Will any of this lead anywhere? Am I on the right path? What should I do? I don't know. I don't know anything. I only know that something needs to change, and I don't know what to do beyond the tasks at hand today.
Any words of wisdom, insights, help or guidance would be much appreciated.