Pivot to the Positive Again and Again ... and Again

You may not be able to tell from this photo, but I am in the absolute pits lately. Mix tired and sad with a dash of low self-esteem and hopelessness. Bake in a 350 degree oven marked GRIEF for one hour. Let cool. Sprinkle isolation generously on top and voilà! Despair extraordinaire!

I made a conscious decision to take some baby steps towards the positive on my own behalf today, which, for the record, goes against the tide of what I think I want to do -- hide under the covers, push everyone away (I'm kind of doing that already), sell my business, hang Fuck the World! signs on the door and sink further into the murky shitty undertow that threatens to suck me under. I am so tired of grieving and feeling sad and crummy. I know I need to keep practicing acceptance that I am where I am, and I also really, really, really need to make the effort to have some fun, connect with others and NOT wallow in my emotions 24/7.

So . . . three small actions and one big one:

1. After work I dressed in real clothes instead of my usual sweats;
2. I put on makeup;
3. I'm getting out of the house going to an AA meeting tonight, and...
4. After months of flirting with the idea, I decided to start the 365 Days project on Flickr. Above is my first self-portrait in what will be 365 consecutive days of self-portraits. A giant part of me says EEK! But I am hopeful the project will improve my self-image not to mention my fledgling photography skills.

I also found a lovely poem I posted on Women at Rest today, along with a beautiful photo by amma_maw. Enjoy both here.

Comments

[kelley]

Dear Carla, it hurts to hear that you do...feels good to know you have taken steps today. I've said it before and I'll say it again, your sharing of your truth and vulnerabilities is indescribably powerful for me in those moments. Thank you. You are simply amazing...and beautiful in this first of 364 more photos that will make me smile, laugh, cry, or just wonder. Whatever my reaction, I know I will leave better for having visited~as
I always am! Love to you tonite, ox Kelley

[Olivia]

YAY, CARLA! You inspire me with your realness and by your ability to Keep Going despite what you're feeling...

Sometimes when I feel like that I fight giving into it and end up getting sick; then at last I realize that my body really, really wanted the down time that I refused to let it have (too busy, too many important things to do, etc.). I guess it all rests on listening to your body and to your heart, to what you truly need.

More happy baby steps,

Olivia

[DragonflyReflections]

Girl, do I ever know what you mean!! I've had to drag myself out from under the covers all week and, honestly, there have been times when the words I read on your blog are the only things that keep me keeping on. Even in your darkest times, you are a light for all of us. Keep the faith - we love you!!

Sending you lots of love and acceptance,
Kelley W.

[Yolanda]

I have these days too. Love the photo. I am a fan of amma_maw too. I love her photos.

[kim]

You are so beautiful!

[miss*R]

me too! I have posted a few days ago.. about feeling lost and lonely.. thought I was insane for a moment there! But it seems there are quite a few of us feeling like this for various reasons.

[Suki]

Ullabenulla had a recent post about depression too, with lots of replies from folks who have depression. www.ullam.typepad.com

Thanks for sharing this. Yes, your photo looks glowing!!! But guess we can't always know when someone is depressed from the outside.

I have low-grade non-clinical depression esp in the winter. Try to keep my thoughts in the present moment. Take walks. Drink lots of h20. Work on my crafts.

[Jane]

Carla,

I love your writing so very much and you look gorgeous in this photo. It makes me wish I had straight hair that could worn exactly like that. As it is, my hair usually looks like Don King on a bad hair day...lol!

Taking the small steps every day is all we can do and a very wise thing at that. I do the same things you do when I am hating life. It takes a big effort to make myself feel pretty and not shut everyone out. But when I do break my habits, I'm always glad I did.

I'll be checking out your 365 project over at Flickr.

Be well, gorgeous soul!

[Kathryn Knoll]

Know that I walk with you, Dear One, and shine a light before you on your way, because, by the grace of the Holy One, I can! Blessed Be, Sr. K

[monique]

I still remember as a young child when I would want nothing less than to hide in my closet so that no one could find me...and sometimes I did just that. I learned that there were times that I had to allow myself the time to sit in darkness and isolation and feel as bad as I felt like feeling. When I started to feel silly, then I knew it was time to come out. Granted, life doesn't allow us the same ability to hide from it as we get older, but I think it is still good to honor yourself by allowing time to sit in the dark with dark feelings...KNOWING that they will pass and that there IS light just outside the door when you choose to open it.

One thing that if you're feeling brave and daring, that you might consider....take a social dancing class. A beginning swing or salsa class can do wonders for a person. It allows your body to move to music you love and the fact that you're in a room with a others who don't yet have the steps down, but are dancing anyway is refreshing!

If you want next time I come through town I'll go dancing with you! :)

It seems that alot of people are going through whatever this cosmic funk is, I'll call it the Covers and Closet syndrome. I've been this way for some time now, as have many I know.

You are amazing for pulling yourself out of the funk and rising to the light! I have just tried to be easy with myself, gently prodding a little movement each day, after years of stress and chaos, I actually feel I need the closet hiding.

[ruby]

i think i'm in a place similar to the one you're describing. just a series of blah days, disappointments and not feeling very...amazing... i read your blogs and see your picture and i just want you to feel as amazing as others see you!

be well,
ruby

[patti digh]

what a beautiful smile. and those eyebrows. and eyes. and shining from the inside out, like a candle, even in those cover times.

[poetryman69]

a little project is just the thing. It's human nature, we must have something pleasant or interesting to look forward to.

[eileen (the dream)]

Keep doing what you're doing, Carla - being honest about your feelings, putting it out there, going to meetings ... This Too Shall Pass. Keep the Faith, my sister!

[Kikipotamus the Hobo]

I wonder if you realize how brave you are, what a role model for those of us who also face the darkness, sometimes feeling it wants to swallow us whole? I'm so glad you found the energy to get dressed, go to a game, go to the AA Meeting. Big hug.

[Temple Woman]

Carla ~ without yours & other ppl's CANDOR about what it REALLY feels like to Be Human; I don't know if I'd still be here.

I dig you.
Your reallness and your b.ful plans to Be closer to okay.

Baby Steps < this is my world lately too.

It's the middle (or End ? she asks HOPEfully ) of winter....what you express is where a LOT of us *GO*.

I am realizing = that I (body/psyche) am not really BUILT for this season.

I need SUUUUN.
you too ?

loving you ~ me