Little Girl Lost No More

My Sacred Life
Day 16

I spent most of the day emptying the rest of my unpacked boxes and organizing old papers, diaries and journals, yearbooks and photo albums. Every time I take a walk down memory lane, I feel lusciously connected to myself, my history and the sacredness of my life. I marvel at who I am while wondering when (and why?) did I stop loving myself?

Growing up I was utterly lost. My flailing began early. Reading this diary from 1975 (age 12-13) made me laugh at my delightfulness and cringe at my desperation. Yes, I got my ears pierced at the Bon Marché in downtown Spokane -- a major happy milestone -- but I also started smoking, stole and drank wine, and wanted a 9th grade boy who didn't even know me to have sex with me.

My God.

Luckily nothing happened with that boy and I stopped smoking a year later. My love affair with wine would last another 29 years until I finally sought help.

Tonight I feel very, very tender towards 12 year-old Carla. Towards all of me who flailed so long. There is nothing more eye-opening and alarming than reading a childhood diary and glimpsing shadows of one's current thinking patterns from 30 years ago! Yikes! Thank God today I have choices and am not completely ruled by my emotions, self-will and self-destructive behavior. Thank God today I'm also willing to accept direction from a handful of women wiser than me!

I feel like I need to make amends to my 12 year-old self, which means I need to do some journaling and seek direction from my spiritual director. It took until age 41, but I am so grateful I'm no longer flailing spiritually or emotionally.

Hope you're enjoying the holiday weekend! It's getting late so I'll visit other Sacred Life participants until I get too sleepy. :)

Comments

[Patti]

Some of us are more vulnerable to losing our way than others. Not sure why. So happy that you have found yourself at last. Great post.

[Julie]

I've read about a "poetry reading" of sorts where people get up in front of a crowd and read excerpts of their diaries when they were young. I'd want to go, but not to laugh..just to feel as "human" as the readers. I didn't save my journals, but I can cringe just thinking about them.
I love that you are remembering her in this way. (your younger self)

[Doreen]

I too just revisited my 13 year old self. Seemed to be a turning point in my life as I was confronted with death for the first time. In a recent visit to Peru, I met a Shaman that picked up on this. I was unaware that it was buried so deeply within me but now could look at it with compassion. Always discovering and learning in this life...and to be gentle with oneself.
Doreen

[Beverly Keaton Smith]

I have journals like that from my childhood too Carla. It seems the writer in us perseveres through it all, huh?

[Rick]

I don't know if it's just because guys don't seem to do the kind of self-reflective writing you did as a kid, but I did none of it. I think I took myelf for granted!

It's only recently that I have finally learned a lesson: life becomes much more rich, fun, and meaningful if you come to know yourself, be supportive of what you find, and nurture the little kid inside with all the bumps and bruises we have accumulated by this point.

Thanks for a good way to start a holiday Monday, Carla!

[claire]

take care of 12-year-old carla - she's very precious!!
and bless you for your vulnerability - we're all being so blessed through you, carla
xxx

[Deb]

On Friday I hit (head on) the realization that 20 years ago I was 15 and knew, to the day, what I was doing 20 years ago. (trying to rig my schedule with my best friend so we'd have lunch and French together!)

I wondered in my journal what 15 year old Deb, not yet tarnished by her first love but not quite so innocent after a friend's suicide attempt, what would she think of 35 year old me? Would I disappoint her, having embraced being an adult as I have? It was a new twist I'd never seen before and I felt the need to be tender to 35 year old me...

Thank you for sharing.

Thanks for sharing! I have a stack of journals from my 30s and 40s waiting to be shreaded...somethings not wanting to leave to the childrens' eyes after I am gone. Too personal. Yet, here is history, what makes up a life, our own personal journeys...I also have some of my mothers journals that I peek into from time to time. She said such nice things about me there that she seldom said to my face. Affirming things.
Thanks for sharing your connectiveness to all of us, to all of humanity really. We ARE all ONE!

[Lynn]

Thanks for sharing! I have a stack of journals from my 30s and 40s waiting to be shreaded...somethings not wanting to leave to the childrens' eyes after I am gone. Too personal. Yet, here is history, what makes up a life, our own personal journeys...I also have some of my mothers journals that I peek into from time to time. She said such nice things about me there that she seldom said to my face. Affirming things.
Thanks for sharing your connectiveness to all of us, to all of humanity really. We ARE all ONE!

[patti digh]

There is nothing more spectacular to me than a vision of the past of me - the angst, the exuberance, the perspective from that age - where does it all go? What i love most about this 12-year-old Carla is your handwriting, in which so much happens, reveals. As I watch two girls grow up, I wonder how to both allow their own path and also keep them safe to become, as you have, a magnificent whole.

[melanie]

I admire your courage to not only read your diaries from childhood but to also share a glimpse with us. I have to admit I burned all mine a few years ago. They made me cringe, cry and filled me with regrets. I couldn't find a way to embrace who I had been, so I had to let them go. Kudos to you!

This also somehow reminded me of an exercise we did in college... something along the lines of pondering over what our future self would think of our present (or past) selves... definitely enlightening.

[Annie]

How wonderful that you have found your way and no longer feel that you are floundering either emotionally or spiritually.

I was highly embarassed by my young journals when I went through them a few years ago. And I got rid of anything that I would not have wanted anyone else to read. Tenderness was not something I could feel at the time. But now, is a different matter. I find myself caring for my little girl and consciously imagining myself loving her and caring for her and giving her what she needs. It's become a nightly routine in my journaling!

I hope Silas is feeling better today.
Annie
xxx

[martie]

You are so lucky that you wrote journals throughout your life. You now have a treasure to look back on, a window to your past. While your words were shapped by the person you were then, and not the one you have become, it is much better than to "think" back. I didn't keep journals or other written tid-bits. I'm sure my memories are far more tainted. I'm happy that Silas is on the mend. And how great to write down positive thoughts when you've had a horrid day. I'll have to remember that.

[daisies]

i remember the exact moment when i forgave my younger self, when i told her it was okay and when i completely and utterly loved her .. it was in my therapists office shortly after my divorce ... it was a wonderful moment that i still cherish ... xox