Sunday Gratitudes

Sad. Overwhelmed. Heartbroken. Tired. The one thing I don't feel is alone, only because I'm forcing myself to speak my truth and reach out and lean on others' strength and love. I miss Elliott. I long to curl up behind him, bury my nose in his soft curly scruff, close my eyes and listen to his breathing.

I'm awash in grief. For Elliott, for the end of my marriage, leaving my house, for the end of 17 years in Seattle, leaving my AA community (my spiritual tribe and home). I'm grieving letting Tim and Alice go, witnessing their disappointment and sadness. I'm grieving moving away from my brother and his girlfriend.

I canceled a dentist appointment tomorrow. I cannot do another single extra thing, participate in another conversation. Tomorrow I sign the first mortgage documents for my new house and that's enough extra. I need to work, pack and rest. I also just found out my website host and commerce manager is ending its service, so I have to migrate zenamoon.com to another service provider by 4/30. Jesus, enough is enough!

Today's Gratitudes

1. My love for Elliott
2. Bryon, Lucy and Silas
3. My brother, Mom and Dad
4. Knowing today's feelings will pass
5. My hedonistic Sunday night ritual watching The L Word with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch
6. My AA home group
7. Belonging
8. A warm house, electricity and clean water
9. A healthy, mobile, pain-free body
10. A wireless router that lets me blog laying on the couch :)
11. The way writing a gratitude list improves how I feel even just a little
12. Candles on a rainy day
13. My clean, trusty '98 Honda Civic EX
14. This American Life is coming to Showtime
15. Fuzzy socks
16. March Madness (GO ZAGS!)
17. Our 2006 taxes are done
18. Rereading favorite novels (currently The Secret Life of Bees)
19. Going to bed early
20. Steamed milk

(Photo by gReen shajaRah.)

Comments

[leah]

(((hugs))) to you. i agreee, writing gratitudes in my daily journey always helps lift my mood and it always surprises me, in a nice way. :-)

[JourneyThroughLife]

I find myself shedding tears at your post today and wishing I could send you lots of hugs by post. I know this is because of my own hurt today. Yet having read your blogs about Elliot and feeling what I feel my own little darlings, my heart reaches out to you.
Then having all the other things on top of it all. One thing too many. Your picture is a wonderful description of a broken heart.

I loved your gratitude list. Despite my day today, I am also feeling much gratitude for the evolution of my life and the opportunities I have been given.

A wonderful post,
JTL
xxx

[Monique]

Carla you are burning through so much of your old life and views, bonds and habits it's bound to hurt a bit. But I truly believe that since you are willingly walking into this fire it will be a cleansing one and not harm you.

Be brave. You are strong enough, you are ready, and you have the love and support of so many to cheer you on. Keep breathing. Keep listening. Trust.

Big Love!

[Eileen Miller]

Carla-
Thanks for your comment. WOW - you have a LOT going on. Your new house looks fantastic! Change is uncomfortable, often overwhelming. Life is fluid. Remember: This Too Shall Pass. WooHoo on the Zags making it! For me: Terps and Blue Devils ... and I love what's going on with Georgetown these days. Elliot Boy is with you -
b e l i e v e. Wish we could hang out, share some Ben & Jerry's, and hit a meeting together! Peace.

[Scout]

Adonai Li Velo Eerah (God is with me. I shall not fear.)I have always watched in wonder at your courage, Carly. Your path gives so much hope through that strength.
I know this pain, too.
Scout and Elliott are holding you. (and me ;-)

[Cathy]

Dear Carla,

I am so grateful for your loving sobriety - this is a lot - but your peace and serenity are abundant too - much love always - Cathy

[Jo]

Carla I am so sorry. I lost my beloved puppydog Mikki three months before my mum passed away then my job within a year of that as well as having many health issues but the darkness lessens and the light comes back, so smile and hang in there, you have a lovely new home to come, and a new life.

Love Jo

[Beverly]

Hey Carla, I hear your pain. Oh sometimes it just sucks that change requires letting go in order to step into the new. Sending you a big cyber hug. I LOVE your new courage candle. That quote is fantastic and so true. Also, I passed along your info to a store here in Jackson called New Vibrations. I hope you hear from them. I would love to see your candles offered in Mississippi! Love, Beverly

[Cousin Christine]

Lovely Carla -
It was HEAVEN to spend just an hour with you last Saturday. I FEEL you and FEEL that some days are joyful and others are filled with fear. I live that, cuz. I live that. I pray that the new house and the easier pace may bring you and Silas and Lucy some peace. I can "loan" you my prince Michael anytime you need him. He was so cute with you - normally he is very SHY and reserved with new peeps, but he acted as if he was your long lost bro...he LOVES you - what is not to love?

P.S. Lyle Lovett is a darling. The Seattle trip was a blast - mostly getting to see, touch, feel, hug, love on YOU. You are a living gift to all of us who know you. You can call me/us anytime for ANYthing. You foster that feeling in those who love you. We want you to be "OK" - we want you to feel loved, we want Carla to thrive. Thrive, sister, thrive. Christine