Thanks to zena moon friends and family who came to Saturday's Open Studio. It was wonderful to meet new faces, see old friends and hug new blogsisters!
One of the coolest highlights was Tim playing acoustic guitar during the party. I'd only ever heard him play bass guitar in a way that would not necessarily serenade customers. :) Tim is a shy soul -- in fact, when he first started he worked here a full month before he actually spoke to me -- so for him to voluntarily offer himself in this vulnerable, gentle way still blows me away. He is an amazing young man and an awesome musician.
Hard to believe it was the last open studio I'll have in Seattle, and quite possibly the last one ever. I might consider another one at some point in Spokane, maybe at Christmastime. Maybe. We'll see. They are a LOT of work to prepare for and folks have become much more comfortable buying online than 6-7 years ago when we'd routinely get 40-50 folks showing up. The last couple years we're lucky to have 10.
After the open studio party I had a thankfully brief pity party. My candles suck. No one likes me. I'm a shitty dog-mom. I'm gonna have to clean insurance office urinals for a living*. You know the drill (actually I hope you don't). Fortunately I've learned to shift my thinking from I'm fucked into gratitude pretty automatically, so the self-pity ended relatively quickly.
So the emotional rollercoaster continues: tired, grateful, scared, excited, joyful and sad. I have to stay in action, keep moving forward doing the next right indicated thing. Today is Lay Your Money Down Day at Target, Pier 1 and Macy's for me. Oh! I have a brilliant yet entirely self-serving idea. We need to throw divorce showers and stores should offer divorce gift registries. Splitting up a household requires buying / replacing way more stuff now than when I got married!
*My first regular job was in grade school cleaning my Dad's office. Even though I made good money it remains the lowlight of my work history. It also remains an unsolved mystery how and why the secretary, Audrey, embedded so many staples in the carpet! You couldn't vacuum them up, so my brother and I had to pick them out by hand. We remain convinced to this day that this otherwise mild-mannered woman shot staples at the salesmen.
Honestly I have no idea. In this territory I'm without bearings, road signs or familiar landmarks plunged deep in a well of mystery. My only compass is prayer. I recognize little about myself. Why am I not constantly crying? panicked? freaked? I often wonder am I stunned, serene or numb? Going through this without numbing out or deflecting my feelings (which is what drinking wine did for me) I have absolutely no idea what to expect. I most definitely did NOT expect a sense of inner stability. Three weeks ago Elliott passed. Three weeks from today we'll be loading the moving van. I comprehend neither.
Life is moving faster than my heart can keep up.
For two nights I've been home alone while Bryon is away fishing and you know what? I love it. I love the quiet, the freedom, the tuning into my own rhythms. (As I yell at the dogs to quit barking!) There are many things I'll miss living with Bryon and many things I look forward to living alone.
I confess I'm hotly anticipating the new Showtime series The Tudors for several reasons most notably Jonathan Rhys Meyers as King Henry VIII. The boy steams ... and those lips.
So much big-girl stuff going on. Death. Divorce. Buying my first house all on my own. Moving. Wondering when I'll stop wearing my wedding ring. Stamping the word "ex-wife" onto the roll of labels that twirl around me. Yuck! I dislike labels, always have. I've tried on many and eventually shed every single one except these six:
Alcoholic (in recovery)
These six stick. I've learned, at least when it comes to myself, all the rest are non-adhesive, temporary and probably unimportant to boot. I'm just me . . . and I look forward to discovering, recovering and uncovering more of myself.
Due to my upcoming move across the state, the zena moon studio will be CLOSED4/8-4/28. You'll still be able to place orders online during this time, and we'll fill + ship them in the order they're received once I'm up and running in my new studio at the end of April. All emails and phone calls will also be returned as soon as I'm hooked up online and able to return them (hopefully well before the end of April :)).
So if you need new candles before early May, be sure to order soon!
Squeeze shampoo into palm. Rub on head. Rinse. It's one of those days I have to make myself move. through. each. step. one. by. one.
As I sit here wanting to cancel my 10am training session, Justin my kickass personal trainer calls to cancel our 10am training session. Now I sit here weeping with gratitude. Thank you Justin and thank you God. When I first started working out with Justin, I decided to look for God's message in Justin's words. Here it is again.
I'm waiting for the inspection report on my amazing new house which was supposed to come yesterday and is now promised today. I'm waiting for my new Canon Digital Rebel XT Camera which was supposed to come days ago and is now promised tomorrow. I'm waiting for a dream about Elliott. I'm waiting to hear from a friend after sharing news I doubt she wanted to hear. I'm waiting to close on my house. I'm waiting to move. I'm waiting to start this new life I had no goddam intention of starting. I do not wait well. Especially when I'm hurting and massively uncomfortable. Liminality.
Last night I spent hours reading blogs by creative women and Bob. I longed to email myself to you, crawl out of your Inbox and curl up quietly under your desk. I wanted to sit silently and just be with you while you fold fabric or paint or write or color in your journal or take photos. Artistically I am empty inside, and I (mostly) wholeheartedly accept this. I accept that my energy is going into the creation of LIFE and LOVE and the expression of LIFE and LOVE. I wish I was going to Artfest not to participate, but simply to observe, absorb and soak up the energy.
I have neither the energy nor desire to explain. It's enough just to say.
Yesterday morning after our AA meeting, a friend took me to St. Joseph's. On the front door was a flyer with a photo of my sponsor / spiritual director! HA! God is everywhere, constantly looking to delight us and remind us we're not alone. My friend and I sat by ourselves in the sanctuary, in the front row, quietly talking. St. Joe's is where my friend took his 3rd step (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God) and I was honored to be invited into his sacred space.
I've designated today Ask For Help Day. Last night I told my Mama I need help on more levels than I even know how to recognize. Here's what I'm committed to doing today (strikeout means I've done it):
Send email to friends and family asking for prayers, support and practical help before, during and after my move to Spokane
Call at least two (2) AA women in Spokane who gave me their numbers -- connect to my new community
Call at least two (2) AA women friends here
Say YES to offers of help (it's one thing to ask, another to accept)
Sad. Overwhelmed. Heartbroken. Tired. The one thing I don't feel is alone, only because I'm forcing myself to speak my truth and reach out and lean on others' strength and love. I miss Elliott. I long to curl up behind him, bury my nose in his soft curly scruff, close my eyes and listen to his breathing.
I'm awash in grief. For Elliott, for the end of my marriage, leaving my house, for the end of 17 years in Seattle, leaving my AA community (my spiritual tribe and home). I'm grieving letting Tim and Alice go, witnessing their disappointment and sadness. I'm grieving moving away from my brother and his girlfriend.
I canceled a dentist appointment tomorrow. I cannot do another single extra thing, participate in another conversation. Tomorrow I sign the first mortgage documents for my new house and that's enough extra. I need to work, pack and rest. I also just found out my website host and commerce manager is ending its service, so I have to migrate zenamoon.com to another service provider by 4/30. Jesus, enough is enough!
My love for Elliott
Bryon, Lucy and Silas
My brother, Mom and Dad
Knowing today's feelings will pass
My hedonistic Sunday night ritual watching The L Word with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch
My AA home group
A warm house, electricity and clean water
A healthy, mobile, pain-free body
A wireless router that lets me blog laying on the couch :)
The way writing a gratitude list improves how I feel even just a little
A perfectly timed and heartwarming phone call from Lisa
Morning coffee with my cousin Christine and her lovely fiance Michael
Huggings and lovings from my girl peeps at my Saturday women's AA meeting:
W the interior designer offering to help me buy fabulous rugs for my new house
A the graduate student inviting me for coffee and asking if we can be penpals after I move -- real penpals, too, with handwritten letters and everything!
J & S blowing kisses to me
N saying "I love you"
Hugging my sponsor
Planning girls-only candlemaking slumber party weekends at my new house (oh Liz!)
Breaking the news to my workerbee Alice . . . *sniff* . . . I told her that she and Tim have to move to Spokane too . . . so far this is the one area I feel 100% immature and resistant in . . . I don't want new workerbees, dammit, I want Tim and Alice and Chris!
Talking with my dear friend Sandra and her 5 year-old daughter (my goddaughter) Marissa, who said when she heard about Elliott's passing, "I'm not too sad because Elliott's always in my heart"
Hearing Marissa tell me to tell Elliott she made a card for him and that she loves him (so I did :))
Letting myself receive and revel and bask in all of the above