Ranger & Elliott circa the late 90's (one of their album cover shots :))
Elliott's kidneys are fine, but other body parts are not. The diarrhea continues, his appetite is weak and his poor bottom is severely sore from getting wiped and cleaned a dozen times a day. The quality of his life is worsening. I would desperately like to cling to hope of a turnaround but I cannot deny he is diminishing. I do not want to make this decision, I NEVER EVER want it to be time. I have a call in to our vet. I need to hear for myself whether he thinks Elliott's condition can improve or whether he thinks it will keep going downhill. If it's the latter, then we have to help him leave his body. (Silent scream.) Soon. Maybe even in the next few days. Our vet will come to our house. How in the hell do you make an appointment for this? How in the hell do you live from the time you make the appointment until the time it arrives?
God fucking help me. I have loved this boy with all my heart for almost 17 years. He is the love of my life.
This afternoon I laid with him in front of the woodstove, feeling the softness of his fur, listening to his breathing. My favorite sound in the whole world is Elliott breathing. I told him how much I love him. I apologized for several events in the past. I thanked him for sharing his life with me. I fed him Iams biscuits and Bryon's sandwich. I told him we will help him leave his body if that's what he needs, that he'll be soooooo free and fine, that we will always be together. I told him not to be scared, to just follow Ranger. I fed him more treats. We laid quietly together awhile longer. He fell asleep.
Then I left the room and bawled my eyes out.
- Snuggling with Elliott
- Working out with my kickass personal trainer
- A phone call at the perfect moment from an angel named Lynda
- The outpouring of support from friends and family
- Silas offering his strong back for me to rest my head while I wept
- Lucy's caretaking of Elliott
- Love, loving, being loved
- Getting to spend Elliott's life with him -- what a HUGE blessing!
- Unexpected snow
- A fresh pile of library books
- That I don't have to numb out by drinking wine anymore -- I get to feel life, and loss, including the pain that comes naturally from loving someone so deeply